That lack of control and autonomy is probably the hardest thing about parenting for me. Made tougher by children who also have an insatiable appetite for control and autonomy 🫠🫠🫠
I rediscovered music last year, when my youngest was five. Before then, there was no capacity in my brain for music, which speaks volumes about how all-encompassing and self-eroding parenting little ones is.
I genuinely hadn’t seen the connection before now, but I literally have more headspace and music is allowed in! Interesting you had similar experience. It does go to show that we literally can not process any more in motherhood. It’s making me realise I was actually at full capacity, more than I knew.
Hearing your own wants and needs again. I remember being shocked at how foreign that had become to me.
Slowly but surely, I’ve found way back to myself. This sounds like the beginning stages of being able to do that for you, too. I feel space just reading your words. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Oh, the loss of control is something I have felt SO keenly - and it’s been a shock to my system how difficult I’ve found it to deal with because I never really thought of myself as someone who liked to be in control. I was excited to go back to work and then, simultaneously, felt really guilty that I wasn’t longing to be with my kid all the time.
Thank you for this piece. It’s nice to be able to imagine that there will be a time to rebuild my lost sense of self.❤️🙏
Thanks Jen. I am definitely someone who likes to be in control which is maybe why I struggle with the long days with the kids sometimes! It’s funny what we can learn about ourselves during this time.
Yes! The other day I was explaining to a colleague the insane level of concentration you need with little ones - that you literally can't even look out of the window for half a minute. She couldn't believe it and said it sounded absolutely awful. 😂 I think how people who don't have children react says a lot about how much we have to deal with. My daughter turned seven last week and I am SO GLAD she isn't in that stage anymore.
There is something very stressful about that being switched on all the time waiting isn’t there? And we totally take for granted when our bodies didn’t have to go through that level of stress.
Oh, what a coincidence! I just had my first child-free day yesterday too, after 2 years and 9 months since my second was born. I spent half the day trying to catch my breath and the other half, obviously, feeling guilty for sending him to nursery for an extra day so I could work on my business 😅. But after being up since 5 a.m. today, I have zero regrets!
I can relate to so many things you wrote – finding peace in cleaning, listening to the music you want, eating food uninterrupted (and not having to share it!), and not responding to a million questions all the time. Part of me feels reassured reading a voice so similar to mine, and part of me feels sad knowing so many of us are grinding through motherhood, sacrificing so much, often in silence – unnoticed and misunderstood.
Thank you, Aleks. I know the feeling I wish we didn’t all feel so overwhelmed and like we have sacrificed so much but it is so lovely to find people who understand those feeling.
I am finding the nursery guilt much harder now when I have quiet days and maybe because they are in so much, but as I keep telling people we are all getting used to this new routine and it is going to take some time ❤️ hope you get more of those days too!
I remember my first KIT day during mat leave, getting myself a coffee and sitting down at my computer thinking, “Wow! I can leave the room when I want without wondering where to put the baby!” Such a small thing, but it felt so liberating.
Returning to work was a new lease of life for me. (It helped that my son - who was 11 months at the time - loved his childminder and didn’t seem to care that I was leaving him with someone else.) All the feelings I had about having lost my identity disappeared, even though I was changed in so many irreversible ways. I almost felt like I was living a double life when in work, until someone would mention my son and then I’d remember I was a mum now.
It is funny all the tiny ways you compromise your life as a parent. I laughed when you mentioned dressing for breastfeeding because I’m eight months pregnant and this is about to become my life again - looking for clothes that make it EASY for a boob to pop out. 😅 You really do forget these things. Every day I remember something about the newborn/baby experience and think “Oh I’ve got to start doing THAT again!”
Thank you Ren. It’s completely something I didn’t expect either becoming a mum, but the practicalities over ride any fashion choices. I hope you find some nice nursing clothes I think there is lots of choice these days. And that double life feeling is definitely how I feel at the minute it’s a strange feeling isn’t it?
Honestly it sounds like your children could do with some more discipline (I say that in the kindest, most loving way ever!). Can't eat something of your own? Can't turn the TV off without a meltdown? It sounds like your kids know no boundaries, and it's up to you to teach them as one of their parents. I'm not a parent, but I cared for foster children for a decade, so I know exactly what you're talking about! I'm also a counselling student. If you want help I suggest you read Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne - some of his ideas are a little 'woo', and the language can be flowery, but it contains great ideas. Wishing you all the best!
This was a brilliant read and so relatable. I have felt glimmers of my past selves reemerging, quite often linked to music and clothes — like finding a song on the radio when driving solo to an appt that transports me to another time; or coming across an outfit I used to wear to work etc. My daughter starts school full time tomorrow (though I still have my son all but three mornings a week so I certainly won’t be ‘free’) but it is possible he will join the school nursery at the beginning of next year which really will be huge and there are so many questions in my mind about work and what it looks like. I am already finding the shift from preschool mother to ‘school mum’ (with an additional younger child) quite an abrupt and unexpected shift in my identity too! Hope your boys are settling well where they are and you are finding your flow xx
I am trying to quiet the very loud noise in my head that I should feel guilty about brimming with excitement as I read this. I am celebrating the space you have, the quiet, and ability to make your own choices. I decided to wait until winter to send my little one to school, but with it looming in the future, I am excited for time to myself, to do what I want, listen to what I want, not have someone constantly pulling at my legs while I try to simply feed myself or go to the bathroom. It sounds so freeing.
Hugely relatable and your writing sings, as ever.
That lack of control and autonomy is probably the hardest thing about parenting for me. Made tougher by children who also have an insatiable appetite for control and autonomy 🫠🫠🫠
I rediscovered music last year, when my youngest was five. Before then, there was no capacity in my brain for music, which speaks volumes about how all-encompassing and self-eroding parenting little ones is.
Thank you Hayley.
I genuinely hadn’t seen the connection before now, but I literally have more headspace and music is allowed in! Interesting you had similar experience. It does go to show that we literally can not process any more in motherhood. It’s making me realise I was actually at full capacity, more than I knew.
Thank you for reading.
Hearing your own wants and needs again. I remember being shocked at how foreign that had become to me.
Slowly but surely, I’ve found way back to myself. This sounds like the beginning stages of being able to do that for you, too. I feel space just reading your words. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Thank you, Kaitlyn. ❤️
There is something so liberating about getting to clean or organise or do something uninterrupted! Honouring you in this new chapter lovely. Xxx
Thank you Lauren. 🙌🏻❤️
Hope these weeks of settling into school have gone okay for your little ❤️
Oh, the loss of control is something I have felt SO keenly - and it’s been a shock to my system how difficult I’ve found it to deal with because I never really thought of myself as someone who liked to be in control. I was excited to go back to work and then, simultaneously, felt really guilty that I wasn’t longing to be with my kid all the time.
Thank you for this piece. It’s nice to be able to imagine that there will be a time to rebuild my lost sense of self.❤️🙏
Thanks Jen. I am definitely someone who likes to be in control which is maybe why I struggle with the long days with the kids sometimes! It’s funny what we can learn about ourselves during this time.
Yes! The other day I was explaining to a colleague the insane level of concentration you need with little ones - that you literally can't even look out of the window for half a minute. She couldn't believe it and said it sounded absolutely awful. 😂 I think how people who don't have children react says a lot about how much we have to deal with. My daughter turned seven last week and I am SO GLAD she isn't in that stage anymore.
There is something very stressful about that being switched on all the time waiting isn’t there? And we totally take for granted when our bodies didn’t have to go through that level of stress.
Thanks for reading Susannah.
Oh, what a coincidence! I just had my first child-free day yesterday too, after 2 years and 9 months since my second was born. I spent half the day trying to catch my breath and the other half, obviously, feeling guilty for sending him to nursery for an extra day so I could work on my business 😅. But after being up since 5 a.m. today, I have zero regrets!
I can relate to so many things you wrote – finding peace in cleaning, listening to the music you want, eating food uninterrupted (and not having to share it!), and not responding to a million questions all the time. Part of me feels reassured reading a voice so similar to mine, and part of me feels sad knowing so many of us are grinding through motherhood, sacrificing so much, often in silence – unnoticed and misunderstood.
I hope you get more days like that, Kylie 💕
Thank you, Aleks. I know the feeling I wish we didn’t all feel so overwhelmed and like we have sacrificed so much but it is so lovely to find people who understand those feeling.
I am finding the nursery guilt much harder now when I have quiet days and maybe because they are in so much, but as I keep telling people we are all getting used to this new routine and it is going to take some time ❤️ hope you get more of those days too!
I remember my first KIT day during mat leave, getting myself a coffee and sitting down at my computer thinking, “Wow! I can leave the room when I want without wondering where to put the baby!” Such a small thing, but it felt so liberating.
Returning to work was a new lease of life for me. (It helped that my son - who was 11 months at the time - loved his childminder and didn’t seem to care that I was leaving him with someone else.) All the feelings I had about having lost my identity disappeared, even though I was changed in so many irreversible ways. I almost felt like I was living a double life when in work, until someone would mention my son and then I’d remember I was a mum now.
It is funny all the tiny ways you compromise your life as a parent. I laughed when you mentioned dressing for breastfeeding because I’m eight months pregnant and this is about to become my life again - looking for clothes that make it EASY for a boob to pop out. 😅 You really do forget these things. Every day I remember something about the newborn/baby experience and think “Oh I’ve got to start doing THAT again!”
Thank you for another highly relatable post x
Thank you Ren. It’s completely something I didn’t expect either becoming a mum, but the practicalities over ride any fashion choices. I hope you find some nice nursing clothes I think there is lots of choice these days. And that double life feeling is definitely how I feel at the minute it’s a strange feeling isn’t it?
Honestly it sounds like your children could do with some more discipline (I say that in the kindest, most loving way ever!). Can't eat something of your own? Can't turn the TV off without a meltdown? It sounds like your kids know no boundaries, and it's up to you to teach them as one of their parents. I'm not a parent, but I cared for foster children for a decade, so I know exactly what you're talking about! I'm also a counselling student. If you want help I suggest you read Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne - some of his ideas are a little 'woo', and the language can be flowery, but it contains great ideas. Wishing you all the best!
This was a brilliant read and so relatable. I have felt glimmers of my past selves reemerging, quite often linked to music and clothes — like finding a song on the radio when driving solo to an appt that transports me to another time; or coming across an outfit I used to wear to work etc. My daughter starts school full time tomorrow (though I still have my son all but three mornings a week so I certainly won’t be ‘free’) but it is possible he will join the school nursery at the beginning of next year which really will be huge and there are so many questions in my mind about work and what it looks like. I am already finding the shift from preschool mother to ‘school mum’ (with an additional younger child) quite an abrupt and unexpected shift in my identity too! Hope your boys are settling well where they are and you are finding your flow xx
I am trying to quiet the very loud noise in my head that I should feel guilty about brimming with excitement as I read this. I am celebrating the space you have, the quiet, and ability to make your own choices. I decided to wait until winter to send my little one to school, but with it looming in the future, I am excited for time to myself, to do what I want, listen to what I want, not have someone constantly pulling at my legs while I try to simply feed myself or go to the bathroom. It sounds so freeing.