Rebuilding my Eroded Sense of Self

on life with child-care

One day this week I was unexpectedly free from any paid work and took some time to clean the house. This is the very first week since I gave birth to my youngest son, that I have had full-time childcare of my children - two years and 8 months ago. It has been a busy week and one full of emotion; I was grateful for the chance to breathe.

I love cleaning - I find it therapeutic - but only if I don’t have one or two children to contend with. More recently, with the youngest having a strong will for independence, I have struggled to get any cleaning done without raised blood pressure. He is always putting himself in dangerous situations whilst I have a hoover in hand, or following me around trailing crumbs, undoing all my hard work. The relaxing nature of cleaning was something I had clearly taken for granted before having kids.

I was hanging out the washing on the balcony, my iPhone blaring out a song that I enjoyed, the sun was shining and I felt light, I felt like me - and I just thought - is that what was missing?

I am not usually one for listening to music - I find it distracting and overstimulating. My mind usually calmer when there is silence or white noise, but I put it on that morning because I had head space for it.

I feel strange in that my stress levels haven’t been overly raised for days now, when normally I would be running high on cortisol for most of the day, poised to break up a fight or console an injury - wanting to give my children independence and suffer as they test me every minute of the day.

I thought this is weird, isn’t it? Listening to music. My own music. Music I have chosen and would like to listen to - rather than my ears being taken over by an ear worm that I did not invite in from some painfully annoying children’s tv show that I did not agree to watch.

I thought back to a similar time, and of the relief I felt when I gave up breastfeeding in favour of formula, three tough and enduring weeks after my eldest son’s birth and again when my youngest finally stopped feeding during the day. Relief that I could finally wear what I wanted. No more silly flaps over my boobs, or layers I didn’t want to be there - no more of the same old shades of grey and stripes I was so sick of seeing, no more clippy bra straps and scraggly cardigans. I could wear my dresses again, without a button in sight - I remember that feeling; it was amazing.

It’s silly really that we make these compromises when we have our children and we don’t even think about it. Even the handbag I wear daily is in a style that has been chosen because I would normally also be sporting a backpack full of spare sets of clothes, baby wipes and a toilet training seat - things I daren’t leave the house without. Recently I have had days where I have thought, well actually now I do have a choice; I can wear another bag if I want to.

I went to a café that morning and thought I could eat anything I want - and I don’t have to share it! And if I were to share it, no one will judge me for feeding my kids chocolate muffin at 9am. Without kids around, suddenly what I do is no one’s business.

Much like listening to the music I want and watching the TV I want - doing what I want and going at my own pace - these are all things I completely took for granted before kids and things I have selfishly missed. With the kids, when my senses are overloaded, I can’t usually get away with turning the noise off - there would be a tantrum as then kids want to watch Paw Patrol (again) - I can only leave the room or use ear plugs. I cannot control my environment as well as I would like.

Unlike when I have the kids, when I am alone, I feel like I am in charge and in control and perhaps that is what I miss the most. My children are at an age now where they seem to want to test me for the sake of it. How will she react if I do this? Of course I try not to react at all but I also lose it often - I don’t always have control over my reactions, either.

Along with my loss of control, the small compromises I have made that perhaps don’t bother me on their own, all build up to a big compromise and erode my sense of self. A self that I am starting to rebuild in this new season. In returning to this routine where I have full-time childcare and am able to work, I am asking myself questions about my identity as I did when I was a first-time mum returning to work from maternity leave.

What would I like to eat for lunch? and when would I like to eat it?
What would I like to listen to or what would I like to watch?
What would I like to wear?
Where would I like to go?

I am only in control over certain things, though.

I write this as we approach school pick-up time and there is a dark grey cloud looming overhead. Of course it’s not going to wait until I am back from the school run, so I will take my umbrella, put on my boots and give in to the loss of control yet again.

How did you feel when you returned to work?
Do you feel like you ever rebuilt your sense of self after kids?
What “little” compromises have you made since becoming a parent?

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