Being the primary carer of a three and one year old, I feel like I am constantly saying No, especially when it comes to food.
No, you can’t have another biscuit.
No, you can’t have chocolate for breakfast.
No, not the blue ice-cream.
My eldest son is of an age now where he knows what he wants and he knows how to ask for it. He knows exactly how to get what he wants - and we all know toddlers; if they really want something, really really really want it, they will keep asking until they get it.
I didn’t think of myself as a ‘No’ Mum, not until he started talking properly and the requests started. I had thought I was being quite permissive doling out the nicer foods.
See, in parenting books they tell you to avoid creating fussy eaters, you shouldn’t define foods as good (healthy) or bad (unhealthy) - so I tried not to. I served strawberry yoghurt alongside broccoli, and Cheerios as readily as carrot sticks. I had no real rules. It didn’t matter to me if he ate the yoghurt before his dinner, that was fine, because one food is not better than the other; they all have different nutritional values, but that does not make them either good or bad. But whatever I have done, it hasn’t worked.
My son is about as fussy as they come. I may not have said foods were good or bad, but his taste buds probably separated them into those two groups and let’s face it - we all probably agree with him - yoghurt is nicer than broccoli - I didn’t have to tell him that. Like most humans on the planet, he has a sweet tooth and he lets me know about it almost every time he is hungry.
Now I have had to set some boundaries:
No chocolate before lunch time (and lunchtime is 11am - so really is it that long to wait?)
Three biscuits is probably too many biscuits.
Ice-cream is a treat and cannot be eaten everyday (even if we see the ice-cream van)
No fizzy drinks (he is three!)
No Blue foods.
Of course these boundaries are there to be tested and it is all he wants. I have become a ‘No Mum’, despite what I thought to be reasonable boundaries. But when it comes to blue foods am I being a hypocrite?
I fear the artificial colourings and E-numbers will send my son into hyper-space but looking back at my childhood, some of my best memories have been linked to the delicious taste of Blue Bubblegum. Sure, I loved tinned macaroni cheese and tinned peaches, but it is the fruity taste of blue Panda Pop that defines childhood for me.
Blue bubblegum is a flavour like no other. It tastes as artificial as it looks, a colour not seen in the natural world - cobalt blue and fizzing, the blue Panda Pop was the most sought after flavour in our house, a blue ice pop was always the first to go from the multipack and the blue smarties - well, we all miss those.
On Saturdays, though, it gets more complicated as we have another rule when it comes to food:
“Everyone gets what they want” 1
Faturday we jokingly call it. Often we begin with a cheeky fry up - something from a local café for breakfast that usually involves sausages and bacon, then for dinner we’ll have a take-away or fake-away usually involving chips, hotdogs, or pizza - whatever we want. We will often make a trip to Greggs at some point too, treating ourselves to delicious pastries or their juicy donuts. On Saturday there are no food rules, so when my son asked for a blue ice cream - he got it.
Now, I didn’t see the ice-cream until it was already in his hands and smeared over his lips but I chose not to mind. There was blue everywhere but the smile on his face was that look of pure joy. I tasted it myself and it was that sweet, super-artificial flavour that the best blue foods have - that taste of childhood I treasure in my memory.
Who am I to deny my son that taste?
Who am I to deny my son that moment?
But the reality is I can’t say ‘Yes’ all the time. I am the primary caregiver and the boys are with me most of the week - if the health visitor is going to question their diet and their health - it is me they will blame. Whether I single it out as unhealthy or not, he can’t have an ice-cream every day - and yes he will ask for it.
I think of the times when I say ‘Yes’, but what I really mean is ‘No, but I haven’t got any fight left’ - those times when I have set a boundary and the incessant pestering has just walked all over it. I feel like a failure then.
But in saying yes on Saturday, I saw happiness and opportunity and perhaps I should beat myself up less about those other times. The odd blue food won’t hurt - after all I had plenty and I am still here.
There is another quote from Bluey,2 that haunts me a little. In the episode where Bandit takes the kids to get a chinese takeaway and has to wait longer for the spring rolls. They are only waiting five minutes but all hell breaks loose despite Bandit saying no to things like playing in the water/eating the takeaway. At the end he is presented with a fortune cookie, which changes his outlook on the event and this is what it says:
“Flowers may bloom again, but a person will never be young again.”
It’s that whole YOLO attitude. I think of it mostly when I am stuck inside on a rainy day with the two children and they are climbing the walls, wanting to do something for the day, to go somewhere but we just can’t. I think by saying no I am depriving them of opportunities in their childhood - but I can’t blame myself for the weather and there is nothing wrong with a day inside - they still have fun.
Boundaries are healthy and I have to stick to them - there was a reason for them after all but saying the odd ‘yes’ is a good thing, perhaps because you can’t say it all the time.
Yes, This is a quote from Bluey: Charades. It’s Nana’s rule - and perhaps it is in Nana’s older age and her agency as grandmother that means she can say yes to everything. My boys also have a Nana like this.
Yes, I am a super fan.