I was so angry that no one told me quite how awful it could be. My brother had told me I had no idea how hard it would be but he was laughing and it felt so condescending that it made me angry. It was helpful, or specific. And I know everyone’s experience is unique and we don’t want to be negative to pregnant women who are probably already living with anxiety about many things, but the number of mothers after my child was born who told me their challenging versions… I wish I’d known sooner so I didn’t feel like such an anomaly. And I also think things might not have been so bad if I’d been told more of the important things. Now I ask people expecting if they’d like advice and if they say yes then I share the things I wish I had known as gently as possible. Like how hard that second (or first full) night will be and how normal that is. The night sweats. The things you need to know if you want to breastfeed and where to go if you’re struggling. So many things.
Thank you Jen, I think that’s such a good idea, asking if people want to know. I was the same everyone who did know just kind of said well you have no idea laughed and walked off and it just feels like a joke doesn’t it. It can’t be that bad!!
I couldn’t agree more Kylie-Ann, so well articulated. It’s so true what Lucy Jones says about a lack of interest in motherhood before becoming a mother too - surely we should all be invested and fascinated in sharing, looking at and holding space for the place from which we all begin. Motherhood writing is for everyone! ❤️
I adore this Kylie, and I love writing about motherhood, the real and truth and rawness of it all. I personally think we do a disservice to others by not sharing the gnarly bits, and in the absence of having someone right there in person to talk it through with, your writing, and others here, makes it feel less lonely. Xxx
“the ongoing sense of failing is normal, that the feeling of completely losing ourselves is to be expected” this part really struck a chord. Thank you for writing it.
I was signed off work yesterday with stress and anxiety and a big part of that is struggling with motherhood plus full time work - I feel that I suck at both. To hear that it isn’t just me is so helpful right now.
Oh Kate, I am sorry you are going through that, you are completely not alone the expectations on us as mothers are just too much. Hope you manage to feel better in taking some time away from work. It’s not easy, but know that it is not our fault that it isn’t easy.
You are so not alone in that feeling, Kate, but I’m still so sorry you’re feeling it! I had a very tearful conversation with my mum just the other week about how I feel like I’m doing a terrible job at everything at the moment - work, being a mum, trying to keep up with friends and family, keeping the house clean - just completely overwhelmed by it all and feeling constantly ‘not enough’ but having literally not a drop more energy or a second more time to give to anything. It’s a lot. I hope you’re getting the love and support you need to work through it.❤️
Writing about the gritty and ‘mundane’ sides of motherhood is so essential! Reading about others’ experiences has kept me going when I really felt like I couldn’t cope. Seeing my own thoughts and feelings reflected back at me in writing like yours has been, and continues to be, a lifeline. Absolutely nothing could have prepared me for just how relentless and all consuming motherhood has been for me, but the stories of other mums have kept me afloat as I learn how to deal with that.
Also, I so relate to the guilt of feeling like you’re struggling when you know you’re incredibly privileged. One thing I heard that has helped me a little with this is that we rarely think that there being others in the world with greater privilege or joys than us means our own privileges and joys are less worthy of feeling happy/grateful for. In the same way, there being others who are suffering more doesn’t invalidate our own struggles. (I don’t think I’ve paraphrased that very well but hopefully the gist is there! 😂)
Yes absolutely. I think when I read Cathy Rentzenbrink’s book that is what she was saying; someone else’s difficulties shouldn’t negate our own. But it’s hard to see that sometimes. I think it is just knowing how much suffering there is and where we sit in that scale but for us it’s still hard… I am trying not to let that feeling put me off writing anyway as like you say writing about it all is so important to help others feel seen. ❤️
Your newsletter is one of the most article I read on this substack because it is so relatable. Coming from a large family I thought motherhood will be easy because I got the chance to take care of my siblings but the hidden reality of what my mom goes through was not showned to me, I was shocked when I had my child especially the first three months, I thought it would be easy but I battle with a severe headache due to lack of sleep and also there was a strict passed in my country concerning the back account at that time, almost all the citizens account were closed and we couldn't access our money which makes it even worse. Now I do tell my friends who have not give birth yet the reality and what they should expect. Your writing have provided a insight to me that I am not alone and the struggle are normal.
Thank you! That is very kind to say. I’m so glad you have found comfort in my writing and also doing your bit to share the mysteries to new mums. I too looked after my siblings, although when they were much older and I can see how much of the burden I didn’t have on me. Thank you for sharing.
Can relate to this so much! I don't want to be seen as "just" a mother, because I'm not, but I can't help but write about it because I want to read more from mothers like me? It's important that we do.
It’s the fear of pigeon holing I think for me but I think the more we write, the more we fight assumptions people might make too. Thanks for reading, Ellen.
I wish I had Substack before I became a mom, I wish I had a publication like yours to read, I wish I knew how hard it would be from honest accounts of motherhood. Thank you for sharing so openly about motherhood, even when it could be mundane, I am reminded I am not alone, like when we shared potty training experiences together.
Stories told by omission - YES! I remember asking people about parenthood and them just telling me that I wouldn't understand. So when people ask me I always do my best to describe how I have experienced it.
Thanks Susannah, I think whilst it is so different for everyone people can still make their own judgement on what they get from multiple sources so I think that’s good to share your experience. 🙌🏻❤️
PS First time COVID parents deserve a medal. I was pregnant with my second vavy during lockdown and it was tough but I remember feeling really sad for all the first time mums who were having such a strange, small experience and that their partners often missed out on the sharing of the journey with not being allowed into to scans etc.
Yeah it was really strange but in a way we gained in other ways like my partner saw much more of my covid baby because he was working from home. Covid was the reason though I went to my scans alone later with my second son as it was still hanging around closing childcare for us and the reason I gave birth without him as our childcare fell through again due to covid! It was such a strange time.
Telling the reality of mothering is vital to reduce the shame and isolation that so many of us feel. The expectations are so high and modern life and economic realities compound the feeling of being alone. Vulnerability like yours begets vulnerability. Thank you.
This is really powerful and thank you for writing about it. I think the idea of privilege is interesting here though because the privileged life you describe (nice house, healthy children, loving partner) isn’t enough to create the support network mothers need. We need wider networks than that. And they’re hard to build in a society that doesn’t want children around, sees them as a nuisance and constantly fails to recognise the role of motherhood. Instead you get terrible mother and baby groups, cliques of women in cafes, shouty bus drivers who won’t let you get on with the pram. It’s not good enough. I live near a Roma community and their attitudes are totally different. Many are living in poverty but I see multigenerational families in the park, very connected, with kids that are capable and independent from a young age. So I think this is a societal issue not an individual one - but we have been encouraged to think we are the problem and are shamed if we’re not happy.
Thank you for sharing Lucy. That is just it societal failings are something we take on as mothers and it makes us all feel worse about our situations. I see many nans on my days with the children and I know that is an aspect I am missing out on - a few reasons I will likely share at some point - and I know I need to build an alternative community but I am finding that hard. It is starting to make sense to me how people find support in the church or similar it’s like I need a non-religious alternative …
I agree it is important, and certainly didn’t know the reality of what it’s like until I became a mother, maybe because of lack of moms talking about it (at least that I had been aware of at the time)- and I also struggle with it because I am constantly thinking about my child’s privacy and what pieces are my story to tell vs. his, how he’d feel if he were to read what I’ve written as he gets older, etc. I end up sharing maybe surface level details which are true but not the truth, if that makes sense. At least on the internet - in person conversations with friends are different.
That is a good point and it has led me to paywall my writing after a year and I totally appreciate that having a younger child means I can chat about him all I like at the minute and he won’t care. I also think that the experiences are more centred on how I feel rather than the specifics of them as people what they did, etc as they are mostly just normal kids
- but it is true that he could may well be offended when he is older. I wonder if that is one of the reasons that people don’t share “too much” though. Thanks for reading, Jocelyn.
Such a great post Kylie, I also think it's really important to share the harsh realities of motherhood. The kind of surface level talk about sleeping, feeding, weaning and every developmental stage after that isn't what helps us feel understood, it's talking to another mum who kind of dares to say,' this is really tough and I'm struggling'. Or reading a post like this. It releases the guilt and shame of finding it so hard ❤️. I was deep in post natal anxiety when my eldest two were little and thank god I opened up to a new friend I'd met, she said she had gone through the same thing. I can't tell you what a difference that made to how I felt. If we have the courage to share, we set ourselves and other mums free too.
Jenna, thank you for sharing. Opening up is the first step to feeling better, I’m so glad you found that friend. It’s a good point too that we should all be available to listen to the harsh realities, so we can be more open to sharing and help those that need to be heard. ❤️
I love this so much! I agree, it's important to share ordinary experiences of motherhood _because_ they are ordinary. We end up feeling so alone when all we see are the good parts.
I really appreciate you sharing! I have so so much negative self talk in my head around motherhood - sometimes i feel it’s the only voice there, and i feel so much shame and guilt around it. Sometimes i share my experiences and they touch on the struggle and my mental health - and it scares me to share too. For me the intersection of post partum and perimenopause is rocking my foundations, and i don’t know what the hell is happening to me. It’s wild. BUT when i see my experiences reflected in writing like yours, it means everything. It’s almost healing - normalising the tough parts of it. We’re all so isolated in so many ways and covid baby times are another level. Your work really matters, so thank you!
Thank you, Raj that means so much. I think it is so valuable to read those truths for me too, so it is also important to share them despite that voice telling me not to. Thank you ❤️
I was so angry that no one told me quite how awful it could be. My brother had told me I had no idea how hard it would be but he was laughing and it felt so condescending that it made me angry. It was helpful, or specific. And I know everyone’s experience is unique and we don’t want to be negative to pregnant women who are probably already living with anxiety about many things, but the number of mothers after my child was born who told me their challenging versions… I wish I’d known sooner so I didn’t feel like such an anomaly. And I also think things might not have been so bad if I’d been told more of the important things. Now I ask people expecting if they’d like advice and if they say yes then I share the things I wish I had known as gently as possible. Like how hard that second (or first full) night will be and how normal that is. The night sweats. The things you need to know if you want to breastfeed and where to go if you’re struggling. So many things.
Thank you Jen, I think that’s such a good idea, asking if people want to know. I was the same everyone who did know just kind of said well you have no idea laughed and walked off and it just feels like a joke doesn’t it. It can’t be that bad!!
It’s just so unhelpful!
I couldn’t agree more Kylie-Ann, so well articulated. It’s so true what Lucy Jones says about a lack of interest in motherhood before becoming a mother too - surely we should all be invested and fascinated in sharing, looking at and holding space for the place from which we all begin. Motherhood writing is for everyone! ❤️
Ah love this, Jennifer! It absolutely is.
I adore this Kylie, and I love writing about motherhood, the real and truth and rawness of it all. I personally think we do a disservice to others by not sharing the gnarly bits, and in the absence of having someone right there in person to talk it through with, your writing, and others here, makes it feel less lonely. Xxx
Thank you Lauren ❤️ And yours too.
I think as well it’s easier to share the detail on the tough bits in writing as opposed to in person for me anyway.
I agree. I think the practice of writing helps me embody and integrate way more than speaking. Xxx
“the ongoing sense of failing is normal, that the feeling of completely losing ourselves is to be expected” this part really struck a chord. Thank you for writing it.
I was signed off work yesterday with stress and anxiety and a big part of that is struggling with motherhood plus full time work - I feel that I suck at both. To hear that it isn’t just me is so helpful right now.
Oh Kate, I am sorry you are going through that, you are completely not alone the expectations on us as mothers are just too much. Hope you manage to feel better in taking some time away from work. It’s not easy, but know that it is not our fault that it isn’t easy.
You are so not alone in that feeling, Kate, but I’m still so sorry you’re feeling it! I had a very tearful conversation with my mum just the other week about how I feel like I’m doing a terrible job at everything at the moment - work, being a mum, trying to keep up with friends and family, keeping the house clean - just completely overwhelmed by it all and feeling constantly ‘not enough’ but having literally not a drop more energy or a second more time to give to anything. It’s a lot. I hope you’re getting the love and support you need to work through it.❤️
Writing about the gritty and ‘mundane’ sides of motherhood is so essential! Reading about others’ experiences has kept me going when I really felt like I couldn’t cope. Seeing my own thoughts and feelings reflected back at me in writing like yours has been, and continues to be, a lifeline. Absolutely nothing could have prepared me for just how relentless and all consuming motherhood has been for me, but the stories of other mums have kept me afloat as I learn how to deal with that.
Also, I so relate to the guilt of feeling like you’re struggling when you know you’re incredibly privileged. One thing I heard that has helped me a little with this is that we rarely think that there being others in the world with greater privilege or joys than us means our own privileges and joys are less worthy of feeling happy/grateful for. In the same way, there being others who are suffering more doesn’t invalidate our own struggles. (I don’t think I’ve paraphrased that very well but hopefully the gist is there! 😂)
Thanks for reading Jen.
Yes absolutely. I think when I read Cathy Rentzenbrink’s book that is what she was saying; someone else’s difficulties shouldn’t negate our own. But it’s hard to see that sometimes. I think it is just knowing how much suffering there is and where we sit in that scale but for us it’s still hard… I am trying not to let that feeling put me off writing anyway as like you say writing about it all is so important to help others feel seen. ❤️
Your newsletter is one of the most article I read on this substack because it is so relatable. Coming from a large family I thought motherhood will be easy because I got the chance to take care of my siblings but the hidden reality of what my mom goes through was not showned to me, I was shocked when I had my child especially the first three months, I thought it would be easy but I battle with a severe headache due to lack of sleep and also there was a strict passed in my country concerning the back account at that time, almost all the citizens account were closed and we couldn't access our money which makes it even worse. Now I do tell my friends who have not give birth yet the reality and what they should expect. Your writing have provided a insight to me that I am not alone and the struggle are normal.
Thank you! That is very kind to say. I’m so glad you have found comfort in my writing and also doing your bit to share the mysteries to new mums. I too looked after my siblings, although when they were much older and I can see how much of the burden I didn’t have on me. Thank you for sharing.
Can relate to this so much! I don't want to be seen as "just" a mother, because I'm not, but I can't help but write about it because I want to read more from mothers like me? It's important that we do.
It’s the fear of pigeon holing I think for me but I think the more we write, the more we fight assumptions people might make too. Thanks for reading, Ellen.
I wish I had Substack before I became a mom, I wish I had a publication like yours to read, I wish I knew how hard it would be from honest accounts of motherhood. Thank you for sharing so openly about motherhood, even when it could be mundane, I am reminded I am not alone, like when we shared potty training experiences together.
Thank you so much Emma. And likewise, what you are doing with Being in Motherhood is so important. It’s great to know we aren’t alone. ❤️
You are so welcome, thank you ❤️
Stories told by omission - YES! I remember asking people about parenthood and them just telling me that I wouldn't understand. So when people ask me I always do my best to describe how I have experienced it.
Thanks Susannah, I think whilst it is so different for everyone people can still make their own judgement on what they get from multiple sources so I think that’s good to share your experience. 🙌🏻❤️
Yes - and the more people who tell their stories the better, I think! 🌻
PS First time COVID parents deserve a medal. I was pregnant with my second vavy during lockdown and it was tough but I remember feeling really sad for all the first time mums who were having such a strange, small experience and that their partners often missed out on the sharing of the journey with not being allowed into to scans etc.
Yeah it was really strange but in a way we gained in other ways like my partner saw much more of my covid baby because he was working from home. Covid was the reason though I went to my scans alone later with my second son as it was still hanging around closing childcare for us and the reason I gave birth without him as our childcare fell through again due to covid! It was such a strange time.
Telling the reality of mothering is vital to reduce the shame and isolation that so many of us feel. The expectations are so high and modern life and economic realities compound the feeling of being alone. Vulnerability like yours begets vulnerability. Thank you.
Thank you Faith.
This is really powerful and thank you for writing about it. I think the idea of privilege is interesting here though because the privileged life you describe (nice house, healthy children, loving partner) isn’t enough to create the support network mothers need. We need wider networks than that. And they’re hard to build in a society that doesn’t want children around, sees them as a nuisance and constantly fails to recognise the role of motherhood. Instead you get terrible mother and baby groups, cliques of women in cafes, shouty bus drivers who won’t let you get on with the pram. It’s not good enough. I live near a Roma community and their attitudes are totally different. Many are living in poverty but I see multigenerational families in the park, very connected, with kids that are capable and independent from a young age. So I think this is a societal issue not an individual one - but we have been encouraged to think we are the problem and are shamed if we’re not happy.
Thank you for sharing Lucy. That is just it societal failings are something we take on as mothers and it makes us all feel worse about our situations. I see many nans on my days with the children and I know that is an aspect I am missing out on - a few reasons I will likely share at some point - and I know I need to build an alternative community but I am finding that hard. It is starting to make sense to me how people find support in the church or similar it’s like I need a non-religious alternative …
I agree it is important, and certainly didn’t know the reality of what it’s like until I became a mother, maybe because of lack of moms talking about it (at least that I had been aware of at the time)- and I also struggle with it because I am constantly thinking about my child’s privacy and what pieces are my story to tell vs. his, how he’d feel if he were to read what I’ve written as he gets older, etc. I end up sharing maybe surface level details which are true but not the truth, if that makes sense. At least on the internet - in person conversations with friends are different.
That is a good point and it has led me to paywall my writing after a year and I totally appreciate that having a younger child means I can chat about him all I like at the minute and he won’t care. I also think that the experiences are more centred on how I feel rather than the specifics of them as people what they did, etc as they are mostly just normal kids
- but it is true that he could may well be offended when he is older. I wonder if that is one of the reasons that people don’t share “too much” though. Thanks for reading, Jocelyn.
Such a great post Kylie, I also think it's really important to share the harsh realities of motherhood. The kind of surface level talk about sleeping, feeding, weaning and every developmental stage after that isn't what helps us feel understood, it's talking to another mum who kind of dares to say,' this is really tough and I'm struggling'. Or reading a post like this. It releases the guilt and shame of finding it so hard ❤️. I was deep in post natal anxiety when my eldest two were little and thank god I opened up to a new friend I'd met, she said she had gone through the same thing. I can't tell you what a difference that made to how I felt. If we have the courage to share, we set ourselves and other mums free too.
Jenna, thank you for sharing. Opening up is the first step to feeling better, I’m so glad you found that friend. It’s a good point too that we should all be available to listen to the harsh realities, so we can be more open to sharing and help those that need to be heard. ❤️
I love this so much! I agree, it's important to share ordinary experiences of motherhood _because_ they are ordinary. We end up feeling so alone when all we see are the good parts.
Yes, Zoe, Thank you!
I really appreciate you sharing! I have so so much negative self talk in my head around motherhood - sometimes i feel it’s the only voice there, and i feel so much shame and guilt around it. Sometimes i share my experiences and they touch on the struggle and my mental health - and it scares me to share too. For me the intersection of post partum and perimenopause is rocking my foundations, and i don’t know what the hell is happening to me. It’s wild. BUT when i see my experiences reflected in writing like yours, it means everything. It’s almost healing - normalising the tough parts of it. We’re all so isolated in so many ways and covid baby times are another level. Your work really matters, so thank you!
Thank you, Raj that means so much. I think it is so valuable to read those truths for me too, so it is also important to share them despite that voice telling me not to. Thank you ❤️