Rewriting the Narrative

Boys will be boys

I think I am the type of person who is blind to gender narratives or at least I wish I was. I don’t want to contribute to the stories that boys will be boys; boisterous and violent and girls will be cute and quiet, yet I nod profusely when people tell me that with two boys I must have my hands full as if they understand me. I do!

Of course their energy and sense of reckless abandon has nothing to do with the genitals between their legs, and everything to do with the fact that they are young children testing boundaries. I know I have a friend with two young girls who says she gets fed up that people don’t assume that girls are as feral as boys. They are and of course we already knew it, right? Because we were there when we were growing up. I can tell you it wasn’t my brothers who defecated in the bottom of my wardrobe when we were kids who were old enough to know better. I went to an all girls’ secondary school and it wasn’t all roses there either.

The thing is we build these narratives and they become the stories we tell into our adult lives and I am conscious that this is just a phase. My boys aren’t always reckless punching and kicking tornados of energy, sometimes they sit and colour, sometimes they are thoughtful and often they are kind.

This is what I was reminding myself when I got a call from the headteacher last week.

Yes, you read that right. The headteacher or Head of Early Years to be precise. This boy who has been at school less than 4 months has already got a spot in the head’s office. She rang me in front of him, she said, so that he would perceive that his actions had serious consequences. His actions were shoving so much toilet paper down a toilet that it wouldn’t flush anymore.

He gets boisterous when he is with two particular friends we are told. We aren’t told their names but we know who they are and yet as the parents we are probably all thinking, well which one is the ring leader? Which is the bad one? I asked the teacher at parent’s evening if it was our son and she denied that one was leading. They just get excited when they are together, she said. They aren’t bad kids but they are behaving badly. It’s hard not to get into the thought process that one child is worse than the other, that when they are alone they are fine so they aren’t to blame; of course he needs to learn to be responsible for his actions regardless of who he is with.

The same week I got an accident form through from nursery. Strangely, no phone call followed and I thought it was strange as the form clearly states that it was a blow to the head from another child. They usually call for head injuries. When I read it a second time I realised it was my child who had administered the blow.

FFS.

I am not sure of the purpose of the accident form, but it didn’t feel good. Was I going to still be getting these phone calls for my other son, too? Am I doing something wrong? Is this my fault?

I write the narrative in many ways. I tell people my kids are a nightmare and often they are! I tell myself the narrative too that it is my fault that they are so boisterous and testing. It’s the TV they watch or the stories I read them. I tell myself I am the only one with “naughty” children, although of course the narrative is somehow solidified if we use that phrase.

I laugh and joke with my son’s nursery key worker as she hasn’t got kids and I am certain looking after my son (and other children of a similar age and temperament) has put her off the idea. I am grateful that someone can share how hard it is. It's not that he is particularly difficult - he is just a normal three year old. She will talk about something he has done or a challenge they might have had with him and I am relieved actually that it isn’t just me he is like it with. The shared responsibility of his care means it can’t just be my fault.

I am telling myself that the tide is turning.

The boys have taken a liking to a new TV show. Die hard fans of Paw Patrol only last month, they now favour a gentler show with a feminine lead where cats do crafting and there isn’t a bulldozer in sight.

They have found Gabby as in Gabby’s Dollhouse, and while it isn’t Bluey, it is telling a different story than the usual shows they favour. There is a lack of fighting and rescue missions, of “bad guys”, super powers and missile-shooting vehicles. I don’t know if it will have any influence on them, but I am glad they have found something else to change up the narrative for a little while.

And of course the parent’s evening wasn’t all bad. The teacher told me she was impressed with how my son had a good sense of how words are written - that he had a good memory for it. When the other children were writing Bl-oo for blue following their learning of phonics, my son knew how to spell it correctly. I laughed when she told me this, because I think our dedication to a particular TV show may have played a part in that.

Is your son/daughter going through a “naughty” stage?
Do you worry about the influence TV has on your children?

Come join me in the comments, I would love to hear your stories.

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