I can 100% relate to everything in this article. So well written. I thought being a mum of two under two would be the hardest thing and it would be easier when my youngest became a toddler. What the heck was I thinking??😂 Like you said, it’s different but the intensity has not waned at all. I give until I have nothing left and then I give some more. But I’ve learned that I also need to be intentional about giving something to myself unless I won’t survive.😅
Thank you Jemima. That is exactly it we give and give and give but we need to give to ourselves too. I hope I am getting better at that. Thank you for reading.
You are 100% one of the best parenting writers out there. Your writing is so grounded, comforting, eloquent yet relatable. It’s a warm hug. Thank you for always tackling tough subjects and making moms feel less alone.
I had always pictured myself as a mother and the reality of it was hard won, with seven distressing years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF before that dream finally became true. But NOTHING could have prepared me for the intensity of motherhood and the constant feeling of giving everything and it not being enough. My little one is in nursery now and I was relieved to get back to work (and then felt incredibly guilty about that sense of relief, especially after everything we went through!). The balance is so tough and I’m often haunted by the feeling that I should be giving more, doing more, being more for my son. But I don’t know how I could give or do or be more without completely losing myself. And I want my son to grow up knowing that I have a self beyond motherhood.
I can so relate to that haunted feeling, and also the guilt that you have the thing you wanted, but it’s not all butterflies and roses - not as we expected perhaps and that doesn’t mean it’s all bad. There is just so much expected of us as mothers, and I’m finding it too much! Thanks for reading, Jen.
From a mom with older kids: it never gets easier and they never need you less. It's just different. Trying to white knuckle through it, thinking the end is just above next corner, is a recipe for years of disappointment. Instead, aim to be a "good enough" mother rather than whatever a "good" mother is, and find ways to support yourself for what's going to be a long haul. Can you trade one morning or evening of babysitting a week with a friend/neighbor with a same(ish) age kid? Take something off your plate? Feed the kids cereal for dinner once I'm a while? Join a book club just to have an excuse to get out of the house once a month? Flip side, the joy and love is never less either.
You are so right, Augusta, I need to find ways to survive it. I am definitely on the look out for some sort of club if I can get out one evening. I just feel a few hours when they are at school each day so I can work will solve the sense of overwhelm and I can get my life back but I am already seeing it is just the beginning of a different kind of need.
When my son was a few months old, I overheard a mother say motherhood was unrelenting and I judged her. How could she say that, I assumed she didn’t like being a mom. Now, I wouldn’t use another word to describe it. It keeps going, it keeps demanding more from you. I love what you said about it changing shape, I agree. It’s hard, they really are still babies and sometimes that can be so hard to see.
I have had moments like that too in the past - that judgement comes from the expectation that it isn’t that hard. But we realise soon enough where those mothers we may have judged were coming from. Unrelenting is a good word it just feels never ending.
Someone said recently about how my children have different needs and I have been noticing recently that I often expect the same in terms of development (behavioural/physical) of my 2 yr old than my 4 year old, whilst simultaneously treating them both like 2/4 year olds. We play games for younger kids, both still have baby cups, etc but I tell them off as if they are both 4 yr olds. I wondered why I am doing it but equally it’s hard to be two different parents in the same room at the same moment. It really is exhausting!
What I hear you saying is it is hard to parent to the different needs of your two kids, who are at two different developmental stages. No matter what it is exhausting, but maybe treating them based on their unique needs will actually help and clear up some expectations.
Mmmm I appreciate you sharing these thoughts with us Kylie-Ann. I too wasn’t ever longing to have a child, though I knew I’d have one, and I was never a natural with kids. That has changed so much now, I think I didn’t ‘get’ them and didn’t feel confident with navigating constant change in emotions.
I’ve come to wrong myself a lot less around my low capacity as a parent (of 1 child, shit I couldn’t imagine doing it again, and take my hat off to every mother, especially with more than 1) partly after understanding my human design and my daughter’s, as well as increasingly accepting (faaaar from always of course) that my daughter’s expression and needs are entirely appropriate for what is happening inside her, alongside the recognition of the systemic fucked upness of the nuclear family and its stupidly unnatural pressures which we were never designed to measure up to.
Oooof I could have been reading my own inner dialogue at the start of this, I never had that maternal urge or am ‘good’ with other children… but yet always imagined that I would have them. Now I can’t imagine myself NOT a mother but oh my goodness it is RELENTLESS!!! The demands are so intense and I think as you say, simply change and evolve rather than lessen. In some ways they are ‘bigger’ demands now despite not being as dependant physically for things like food etc. I feel like some kind of jack in the box getting up and down and meeting needs and it’s so intense. I just had my first weekend away from the girls, two nights glamping with girl friends, it was fun, I missed the girls like crazy but I loved waking up and not having anyone to answer to other than my own needs!!! It was quite revolutionary!!! Xxx
Oh I can imagine that was a great feeling. I don’t think we realise how much we do in like the first few hours of the day until the kids aren’t there. I remember being at my friends house with her baby thinking.. oh snack time now, need to be thinking about his nap or getting out or whatever and it’s inevitable probably I can’t get their needs out of my head even though they aren’t there. Jack in the box, though, that’s a great description! It’s getting another snack for me - I’m back and forth to the kitchen nothing is right everyone is starving but not enough to eat their actual dinner 🤪 deep breaths 😂
I think you make such an important point about the blame not lying with the children but with the cultural expectations of motherhood. We are expected to give everything we have to our children and then a little more, leaving nothing for ourselves. And to do it with, as you pointed out, school schedules that don't sync up with work schedules, abysmal maternity/paternity leave, and a severe lack of available and affordable mental health care, all while comparing ourselves to our parenting peers on social media. It's a set up. My kids are a little older than yours (9 & 10) and I do have to say that it really does get easier. They become more self sufficient and you shift into helping/teaching mode rather than doing everything mode. I really love these ages and while of course we don't want to wish away their younger years, I can't say I miss the all-consuming intensity of those years very much.
Such a brilliant post Kylie, your honesty is so needed ❤️. The whole thing of feeling like you've given so much but it never seems like enough rings so true. It's that feeling of not being appreciated too. I remember when my youngest was maybe 6 months old and I was rocking him to sleep at night, thinking that I didn't feel like a whole person, instead I was just someone to carry out all of the tasks everyone needed me to do. But I didn't matter. Don't know if that makes sense. Also your kids are super close together in age and people don't talk about how hard that is. An age gap of 5 years between my youngest and middle and 7 years between my eldest and youngest means that 3rd time round it was a different experience than when my eldest two were younger.
Yes, that feeling definitely feels familiar. That sense that you’ve sort of given so much of yourself there isn’t an awful lot left. I absolutely feel that. ❤️ Sounds like you have been there too. I think the two year age gap will forever follow me 😂 but it seemed like such a good idea at the time! I totally appreciate you sharing that experience. It’s definitely made my feelings around it all feel validated and helped me feel less alone. Thank you, Jenna.
I had been seeing people sharing this post and I am glad I had a slow morning to savor it. I so recognize some of my experience in your words. Despite all the overwhelm of when the kids were little little, it was generally kind of expected on some level. It wasn't until they got older that I noticed my expectations were misaligned, especially with having neurodivergent kids. Although we consciously chose to have 4 kids, we did not forsee that our kids were neurodivergent and would have differing needs. What that looks like across four kids in different developmental spaces and differing needs is very different than what I imagined life would be like at this stage.
I can imagine that is so complicated. And being at varying levels all the time for the varying needs must be really difficult. Thank you for reading and sharing the post, Kathryn.
So relatable, I thought I would sit back when my kid reach toddler but further the milestone, the harder and intense it is becoming. I hope I will get better one day without feeling guilty.
Our cultures have created a scenario in which mothers carry way too much of the burden of child rearing. In more traditional cultures it really is a village that raises a child, with older related kids taking on a lot of activity and responsibility as well as aunties and grandma’s etc. ‘Hunt, Gather, Parent’ explores this really well and suggest that, ultimately, increasing our social circles of support are one of the things that would help in western societies.
I’m definitely on board with that. It’s tricky building community but we are trying! I think it’s definitely key and I am hopeful starting school will help 🤞🏻 thanks for reading.
Building community can be really hard. I think in the US, where we live, where there are a lot less walkable areas within the community, it can be even harder.
As a stay at home parent, with four kids, I do feel like it gets easier once the kids are school-age. The reality is that parenting is also just hard sometimes.
The problem with our IG culture is we are often comparing our hardest days with everyone else’s curated, filtered, posed and edited, ‘best days’.
Thanks for being real. I’m sure others value knowing that they are not alone in feeling like the have to give too much in those hard seasons.
This really resonated with me Kylie-Ann! I had an assumption it must get easier once kids turn 1 year old because that’s how long maternity leave is. But like you, I’ve found mothering is still SO intense. My son is nearly 4 and still barely plays independently and wants my attention and interaction constantly. It’s still impossible to do housework while looking after him - and when I find myself getting angry at him I realise it’s because society puts impossible pressure on mothers: looking after a small child is a full time job, and yet we also feel we need to do housework at the same time, and juggle paid work. That’s 3 jobs at once!!
I lost a tooth when my son was 2! My teeth had been perfect until then. It is so refreshing to read someone being so honest and open about the struggles of motherhood. I was always brilliant with children and imagined having a tribe of them. That never happened and when I eventually did fall pregnant at 38, I wasn't really sure I wanted kids. I love my son to pieces but bringing him up has been the hardest thing I have ever done and nearly destroyed me at times. He is 8 now and still sleeps in my room, still has huge separation anxiety. I am a single parent which is another journey all of itself but really feel your stretch and the sense of giving too much. Thank you for sharing x
Thank you Chloë, that does sound tough. I do think the challenges we face in a unsupported system can limit our capacity to have any more children. I’ve written before about how I think having a third child would likely send me over the edge. Also that expectation that “it gets easier” is so dependent on the children isn’t it and certainly not one size fits all.
I can 100% relate to everything in this article. So well written. I thought being a mum of two under two would be the hardest thing and it would be easier when my youngest became a toddler. What the heck was I thinking??😂 Like you said, it’s different but the intensity has not waned at all. I give until I have nothing left and then I give some more. But I’ve learned that I also need to be intentional about giving something to myself unless I won’t survive.😅
Thank you Jemima. That is exactly it we give and give and give but we need to give to ourselves too. I hope I am getting better at that. Thank you for reading.
You are 100% one of the best parenting writers out there. Your writing is so grounded, comforting, eloquent yet relatable. It’s a warm hug. Thank you for always tackling tough subjects and making moms feel less alone.
Shelly that has honestly made me so tearful thank you. 🥹 They are such kind and generous words ❤️ xx
Just like your words!!!! I could literally do this all day! 😂
I had always pictured myself as a mother and the reality of it was hard won, with seven distressing years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF before that dream finally became true. But NOTHING could have prepared me for the intensity of motherhood and the constant feeling of giving everything and it not being enough. My little one is in nursery now and I was relieved to get back to work (and then felt incredibly guilty about that sense of relief, especially after everything we went through!). The balance is so tough and I’m often haunted by the feeling that I should be giving more, doing more, being more for my son. But I don’t know how I could give or do or be more without completely losing myself. And I want my son to grow up knowing that I have a self beyond motherhood.
Thank you for sharing these reflections.🙏
I can so relate to that haunted feeling, and also the guilt that you have the thing you wanted, but it’s not all butterflies and roses - not as we expected perhaps and that doesn’t mean it’s all bad. There is just so much expected of us as mothers, and I’m finding it too much! Thanks for reading, Jen.
From a mom with older kids: it never gets easier and they never need you less. It's just different. Trying to white knuckle through it, thinking the end is just above next corner, is a recipe for years of disappointment. Instead, aim to be a "good enough" mother rather than whatever a "good" mother is, and find ways to support yourself for what's going to be a long haul. Can you trade one morning or evening of babysitting a week with a friend/neighbor with a same(ish) age kid? Take something off your plate? Feed the kids cereal for dinner once I'm a while? Join a book club just to have an excuse to get out of the house once a month? Flip side, the joy and love is never less either.
You are so right, Augusta, I need to find ways to survive it. I am definitely on the look out for some sort of club if I can get out one evening. I just feel a few hours when they are at school each day so I can work will solve the sense of overwhelm and I can get my life back but I am already seeing it is just the beginning of a different kind of need.
When my son was a few months old, I overheard a mother say motherhood was unrelenting and I judged her. How could she say that, I assumed she didn’t like being a mom. Now, I wouldn’t use another word to describe it. It keeps going, it keeps demanding more from you. I love what you said about it changing shape, I agree. It’s hard, they really are still babies and sometimes that can be so hard to see.
I have had moments like that too in the past - that judgement comes from the expectation that it isn’t that hard. But we realise soon enough where those mothers we may have judged were coming from. Unrelenting is a good word it just feels never ending.
Someone said recently about how my children have different needs and I have been noticing recently that I often expect the same in terms of development (behavioural/physical) of my 2 yr old than my 4 year old, whilst simultaneously treating them both like 2/4 year olds. We play games for younger kids, both still have baby cups, etc but I tell them off as if they are both 4 yr olds. I wondered why I am doing it but equally it’s hard to be two different parents in the same room at the same moment. It really is exhausting!
What I hear you saying is it is hard to parent to the different needs of your two kids, who are at two different developmental stages. No matter what it is exhausting, but maybe treating them based on their unique needs will actually help and clear up some expectations.
Mmmm I appreciate you sharing these thoughts with us Kylie-Ann. I too wasn’t ever longing to have a child, though I knew I’d have one, and I was never a natural with kids. That has changed so much now, I think I didn’t ‘get’ them and didn’t feel confident with navigating constant change in emotions.
I’ve come to wrong myself a lot less around my low capacity as a parent (of 1 child, shit I couldn’t imagine doing it again, and take my hat off to every mother, especially with more than 1) partly after understanding my human design and my daughter’s, as well as increasingly accepting (faaaar from always of course) that my daughter’s expression and needs are entirely appropriate for what is happening inside her, alongside the recognition of the systemic fucked upness of the nuclear family and its stupidly unnatural pressures which we were never designed to measure up to.
Thanks for reading Sarina. I’m glad I’m not alone but also ah it’s hard. Solidarity.
Oooof I could have been reading my own inner dialogue at the start of this, I never had that maternal urge or am ‘good’ with other children… but yet always imagined that I would have them. Now I can’t imagine myself NOT a mother but oh my goodness it is RELENTLESS!!! The demands are so intense and I think as you say, simply change and evolve rather than lessen. In some ways they are ‘bigger’ demands now despite not being as dependant physically for things like food etc. I feel like some kind of jack in the box getting up and down and meeting needs and it’s so intense. I just had my first weekend away from the girls, two nights glamping with girl friends, it was fun, I missed the girls like crazy but I loved waking up and not having anyone to answer to other than my own needs!!! It was quite revolutionary!!! Xxx
Oh I can imagine that was a great feeling. I don’t think we realise how much we do in like the first few hours of the day until the kids aren’t there. I remember being at my friends house with her baby thinking.. oh snack time now, need to be thinking about his nap or getting out or whatever and it’s inevitable probably I can’t get their needs out of my head even though they aren’t there. Jack in the box, though, that’s a great description! It’s getting another snack for me - I’m back and forth to the kitchen nothing is right everyone is starving but not enough to eat their actual dinner 🤪 deep breaths 😂
I think you make such an important point about the blame not lying with the children but with the cultural expectations of motherhood. We are expected to give everything we have to our children and then a little more, leaving nothing for ourselves. And to do it with, as you pointed out, school schedules that don't sync up with work schedules, abysmal maternity/paternity leave, and a severe lack of available and affordable mental health care, all while comparing ourselves to our parenting peers on social media. It's a set up. My kids are a little older than yours (9 & 10) and I do have to say that it really does get easier. They become more self sufficient and you shift into helping/teaching mode rather than doing everything mode. I really love these ages and while of course we don't want to wish away their younger years, I can't say I miss the all-consuming intensity of those years very much.
Such a brilliant post Kylie, your honesty is so needed ❤️. The whole thing of feeling like you've given so much but it never seems like enough rings so true. It's that feeling of not being appreciated too. I remember when my youngest was maybe 6 months old and I was rocking him to sleep at night, thinking that I didn't feel like a whole person, instead I was just someone to carry out all of the tasks everyone needed me to do. But I didn't matter. Don't know if that makes sense. Also your kids are super close together in age and people don't talk about how hard that is. An age gap of 5 years between my youngest and middle and 7 years between my eldest and youngest means that 3rd time round it was a different experience than when my eldest two were younger.
Yes, that feeling definitely feels familiar. That sense that you’ve sort of given so much of yourself there isn’t an awful lot left. I absolutely feel that. ❤️ Sounds like you have been there too. I think the two year age gap will forever follow me 😂 but it seemed like such a good idea at the time! I totally appreciate you sharing that experience. It’s definitely made my feelings around it all feel validated and helped me feel less alone. Thank you, Jenna.
I had been seeing people sharing this post and I am glad I had a slow morning to savor it. I so recognize some of my experience in your words. Despite all the overwhelm of when the kids were little little, it was generally kind of expected on some level. It wasn't until they got older that I noticed my expectations were misaligned, especially with having neurodivergent kids. Although we consciously chose to have 4 kids, we did not forsee that our kids were neurodivergent and would have differing needs. What that looks like across four kids in different developmental spaces and differing needs is very different than what I imagined life would be like at this stage.
I can imagine that is so complicated. And being at varying levels all the time for the varying needs must be really difficult. Thank you for reading and sharing the post, Kathryn.
So relatable, I thought I would sit back when my kid reach toddler but further the milestone, the harder and intense it is becoming. I hope I will get better one day without feeling guilty.
Me too! Thank you for reading.
Our cultures have created a scenario in which mothers carry way too much of the burden of child rearing. In more traditional cultures it really is a village that raises a child, with older related kids taking on a lot of activity and responsibility as well as aunties and grandma’s etc. ‘Hunt, Gather, Parent’ explores this really well and suggest that, ultimately, increasing our social circles of support are one of the things that would help in western societies.
I’m definitely on board with that. It’s tricky building community but we are trying! I think it’s definitely key and I am hopeful starting school will help 🤞🏻 thanks for reading.
Building community can be really hard. I think in the US, where we live, where there are a lot less walkable areas within the community, it can be even harder.
As a stay at home parent, with four kids, I do feel like it gets easier once the kids are school-age. The reality is that parenting is also just hard sometimes.
The problem with our IG culture is we are often comparing our hardest days with everyone else’s curated, filtered, posed and edited, ‘best days’.
Thanks for being real. I’m sure others value knowing that they are not alone in feeling like the have to give too much in those hard seasons.
Thank you I really appreciate you saying that.
This really resonated with me Kylie-Ann! I had an assumption it must get easier once kids turn 1 year old because that’s how long maternity leave is. But like you, I’ve found mothering is still SO intense. My son is nearly 4 and still barely plays independently and wants my attention and interaction constantly. It’s still impossible to do housework while looking after him - and when I find myself getting angry at him I realise it’s because society puts impossible pressure on mothers: looking after a small child is a full time job, and yet we also feel we need to do housework at the same time, and juggle paid work. That’s 3 jobs at once!!
Thank you Ellie. Yes three jobs it’s insane how much is expected of us!
I lost a tooth when my son was 2! My teeth had been perfect until then. It is so refreshing to read someone being so honest and open about the struggles of motherhood. I was always brilliant with children and imagined having a tribe of them. That never happened and when I eventually did fall pregnant at 38, I wasn't really sure I wanted kids. I love my son to pieces but bringing him up has been the hardest thing I have ever done and nearly destroyed me at times. He is 8 now and still sleeps in my room, still has huge separation anxiety. I am a single parent which is another journey all of itself but really feel your stretch and the sense of giving too much. Thank you for sharing x
Thank you Chloë, that does sound tough. I do think the challenges we face in a unsupported system can limit our capacity to have any more children. I’ve written before about how I think having a third child would likely send me over the edge. Also that expectation that “it gets easier” is so dependent on the children isn’t it and certainly not one size fits all.