The idea that when we are home with our children, the time passes so slowly, and when we are at work, we are constantly racing against the clock, really & truly resonated. It's so interesting how we perceive time differently when we're stimulated vs when we're not. It's a phenomenon I have noticed but never voiced. This is a great piece and..my kids bore me too!! Solidarity.
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. I have never been able to formulate, let alone articulate, my thoughts about staying at home with my children. When my daughter was born I was a student midwife in my second year of training. I returned to work when she was 10 months old - night shifts, weekends and 13 hour days. She walked and cut her teeth and started speaking all while I was pacing hospital corridors. I qualified and finally was “contributing” in the traditional sense, but still missing my daughter’s babyhood. The pandemic hit, our wedding was cancelled (lockdown came two weeks before the big day) and we decided we would try for our second. I was twenty weeks pregnant when the second wave of Covid peaked and I suddenly felt crushed by the weight of everything I had seen and experienced during almost a year of working in the trenches of an understaffed & underfunded maternity unit where *everyone* was scared. From twenty eight weeks I was able to be at home, and ever since then I suppose I have been quietly quitting the job I worked so hard to get. Last year we decided as a family that the best thing to do would be for me to mostly be at home, financially and, I guess, emotionally. I cut down to one day a week and for a year I have been there for all the school drop offs, pick ups, assemblies, open afternoons and swimming lessons. My son (now two) has never know anything apart from mostly being at home with me.
But it was role I romanticised. I envisioned morning time with poetry and crafts. Weekly trips to the library and baking together. Nature walks and adventures. And we’ve done all of those things. But they haven’t felt rose-tinted and dreamy. They’ve felt boring. I’ve been reluctant to voice it because I know what a privileged position I have been in. But now, twelve months into this mostly-stay-at-home-mum-life, I’m at a crossroads again. What do I want? What’s best for them? I don’t know the answers, or really what this long ramble is about (sorry!) but you’ve made me feel less alone in this season of life.
I hear you, this sounds really familiar. It is totally a time I romanticised too and perhaps it is equally about it not matching expectation as it is about boredom.
It is hard as well that when we leave jobs for children it isn’t as simple as making the choice, although it does have to be made. That sense of quietly quitting because the children are being put first is something I think all default parents do. It’s such a hard balance working and parenting and one I feel is very personal to everyone, perhaps we have yet to find the right balance for us? Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
I felt every word of this, Kylie-Ann. I had five years of IVF to make my twin boys, and I think I totally romanticised what it was going to be like when they were actual living humans. They're nine years old now so a bit more interesting, but I found those longs days during the early years simultaneously unendurably stressful and gut-achingly dull. And then of course I'd feel guilty for being bored by the company of the tiny humans that I was so desperate to create.
Thank you for your honesty, and for giving us all space to talk about the tough stuff.
Thank you for reading. I completely feel that mothers are undervalued and I can see this being a long standing thing. I know when I was a teenager I argued a lot with my own mother - we were all ungrateful and she had sacrificed a lot. I see that now. Four under six must have been so hard. I have to say I can’t imagine having any more but who knows!
I resonate so much with this, it’s like you took the words right out of my mouth and re-wrote them more articulately. It’s also something that isn’t talked about enough, I think, because of the (obviously unfair) implication or assumption that it means you don’t love your children. When really you just don’t love spending and engaging with every second of a 15 hour day with them. I’m writing for the same reason in my newsletter ‘On Purpose’ - (not sure if this will share well, still getting used to the site) https://open.substack.com/pub/clairecollis/p/coming-soon?r=2vmfn&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Yes this is exactly it! It’s a long day and I don’t think I would enjoy any one thing for that long if I had to. I do worry it might come across that I don’t love my children enough or perhaps that I regret having them, and trust me I wonder these things daily! But if it weren’t for love I wouldn’t be able to get through each day. Thanks for commenting I’m looking forward to reading more from your blog too.
This certainly resonates with me. I had four age six and under and it was a real slog. I didn’t expect to be a children’s entertainer either nor have to do so much of it on my own. I found it boring, I was desperate to get back to reading books which I couldn’t get peace to do and there were days that just passed intolerably slowly yet felt like there was nothing of substance in them. Mind you, this week I wrote about I’ve been lying to parents of 3-year-olds that in ten years it will get easier. It doesn’t! Now mine are all teenagers, they are ungrateful and demanding in different ways! But ultimately you are right that the role of a mother is just not valued and that adds to the frustrations. Thanks for sharing this and your honesty.
Discovered you via Emma’s Slow Sunday Scroll (and now recall seeing you comment on her post this week about alcohol). I love your transparency and vulnerability in this piece, thank you. It too me way back. My children are now 17 and 14, and while I did work part time when they were small, much of what you share resonates. I didn’t feel that I could safely say that back then, so instead wrote a ‘hilariously tongue in cheek’ blog about my precious little ones drawing giant crocodiles on our cream carpet, sh*tting in the bath and wanting to watch Peppa on repeat while I sat writing to do lists that said thing like ‘Buy nappy sacks; Put the dead flowers in the bin; drive by the field to see if the cows are there.’ It. Was. A. Hard. Time.
And now, they’re teens and I’m missing those little ones and, it’s still A. Hard. Time.
This is not a comment to say ‘these days pass too quick’ I promise. It’s one to say - I see you. And you’re doing a great thing. ❤️
I absolutely have those to do lists as well. Partly so I can fee like I have achieved something in these days because it doesn’t feel enough just to be here with them, giving them what they need, but I guess that’s the issue is it should be enough.
I think we are at similar stages now and I’m not sure how I feel about that time as I look back. I have very mixed feelings and I wish I could feel that it was all worth it but sometimes I wonder if full-time childcare (unaffordable as it was) would have suited me (and them) better! I did work but always killed myself to pick up from school a couple of times a week and I was always the default parent when they were sick etc. This is terrible but what I’m struggling with most at the moment is that my husband’s career has soared and mine just died a death. Sometimes I try to hide my resentment but it’s always there. I did laugh at the drive by the field to see if the cows are still there. I think I wrote something at some point about counting the Lego pieces and checking they were all there in one of those tubs!
The idea that when we are home with our children, the time passes so slowly, and when we are at work, we are constantly racing against the clock, really & truly resonated. It's so interesting how we perceive time differently when we're stimulated vs when we're not. It's a phenomenon I have noticed but never voiced. This is a great piece and..my kids bore me too!! Solidarity.
Yes! So glad I’m not alone in this. Thank you for reading!
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. I have never been able to formulate, let alone articulate, my thoughts about staying at home with my children. When my daughter was born I was a student midwife in my second year of training. I returned to work when she was 10 months old - night shifts, weekends and 13 hour days. She walked and cut her teeth and started speaking all while I was pacing hospital corridors. I qualified and finally was “contributing” in the traditional sense, but still missing my daughter’s babyhood. The pandemic hit, our wedding was cancelled (lockdown came two weeks before the big day) and we decided we would try for our second. I was twenty weeks pregnant when the second wave of Covid peaked and I suddenly felt crushed by the weight of everything I had seen and experienced during almost a year of working in the trenches of an understaffed & underfunded maternity unit where *everyone* was scared. From twenty eight weeks I was able to be at home, and ever since then I suppose I have been quietly quitting the job I worked so hard to get. Last year we decided as a family that the best thing to do would be for me to mostly be at home, financially and, I guess, emotionally. I cut down to one day a week and for a year I have been there for all the school drop offs, pick ups, assemblies, open afternoons and swimming lessons. My son (now two) has never know anything apart from mostly being at home with me.
But it was role I romanticised. I envisioned morning time with poetry and crafts. Weekly trips to the library and baking together. Nature walks and adventures. And we’ve done all of those things. But they haven’t felt rose-tinted and dreamy. They’ve felt boring. I’ve been reluctant to voice it because I know what a privileged position I have been in. But now, twelve months into this mostly-stay-at-home-mum-life, I’m at a crossroads again. What do I want? What’s best for them? I don’t know the answers, or really what this long ramble is about (sorry!) but you’ve made me feel less alone in this season of life.
I hear you, this sounds really familiar. It is totally a time I romanticised too and perhaps it is equally about it not matching expectation as it is about boredom.
It is hard as well that when we leave jobs for children it isn’t as simple as making the choice, although it does have to be made. That sense of quietly quitting because the children are being put first is something I think all default parents do. It’s such a hard balance working and parenting and one I feel is very personal to everyone, perhaps we have yet to find the right balance for us? Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
I felt every word of this, Kylie-Ann. I had five years of IVF to make my twin boys, and I think I totally romanticised what it was going to be like when they were actual living humans. They're nine years old now so a bit more interesting, but I found those longs days during the early years simultaneously unendurably stressful and gut-achingly dull. And then of course I'd feel guilty for being bored by the company of the tiny humans that I was so desperate to create.
Thank you for your honesty, and for giving us all space to talk about the tough stuff.
Yes exactly this Michelle. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
If you feel like your children's entertainer, please read Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne!. He talks about this phenomenon.
Oh interesting thanks Jessica.
Thank you for reading. I completely feel that mothers are undervalued and I can see this being a long standing thing. I know when I was a teenager I argued a lot with my own mother - we were all ungrateful and she had sacrificed a lot. I see that now. Four under six must have been so hard. I have to say I can’t imagine having any more but who knows!
I resonate so much with this, it’s like you took the words right out of my mouth and re-wrote them more articulately. It’s also something that isn’t talked about enough, I think, because of the (obviously unfair) implication or assumption that it means you don’t love your children. When really you just don’t love spending and engaging with every second of a 15 hour day with them. I’m writing for the same reason in my newsletter ‘On Purpose’ - (not sure if this will share well, still getting used to the site) https://open.substack.com/pub/clairecollis/p/coming-soon?r=2vmfn&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Yes this is exactly it! It’s a long day and I don’t think I would enjoy any one thing for that long if I had to. I do worry it might come across that I don’t love my children enough or perhaps that I regret having them, and trust me I wonder these things daily! But if it weren’t for love I wouldn’t be able to get through each day. Thanks for commenting I’m looking forward to reading more from your blog too.
This certainly resonates with me. I had four age six and under and it was a real slog. I didn’t expect to be a children’s entertainer either nor have to do so much of it on my own. I found it boring, I was desperate to get back to reading books which I couldn’t get peace to do and there were days that just passed intolerably slowly yet felt like there was nothing of substance in them. Mind you, this week I wrote about I’ve been lying to parents of 3-year-olds that in ten years it will get easier. It doesn’t! Now mine are all teenagers, they are ungrateful and demanding in different ways! But ultimately you are right that the role of a mother is just not valued and that adds to the frustrations. Thanks for sharing this and your honesty.
Discovered you via Emma’s Slow Sunday Scroll (and now recall seeing you comment on her post this week about alcohol). I love your transparency and vulnerability in this piece, thank you. It too me way back. My children are now 17 and 14, and while I did work part time when they were small, much of what you share resonates. I didn’t feel that I could safely say that back then, so instead wrote a ‘hilariously tongue in cheek’ blog about my precious little ones drawing giant crocodiles on our cream carpet, sh*tting in the bath and wanting to watch Peppa on repeat while I sat writing to do lists that said thing like ‘Buy nappy sacks; Put the dead flowers in the bin; drive by the field to see if the cows are there.’ It. Was. A. Hard. Time.
And now, they’re teens and I’m missing those little ones and, it’s still A. Hard. Time.
This is not a comment to say ‘these days pass too quick’ I promise. It’s one to say - I see you. And you’re doing a great thing. ❤️
I absolutely have those to do lists as well. Partly so I can fee like I have achieved something in these days because it doesn’t feel enough just to be here with them, giving them what they need, but I guess that’s the issue is it should be enough.
Thank you for your kind words. ❤️
I think we are at similar stages now and I’m not sure how I feel about that time as I look back. I have very mixed feelings and I wish I could feel that it was all worth it but sometimes I wonder if full-time childcare (unaffordable as it was) would have suited me (and them) better! I did work but always killed myself to pick up from school a couple of times a week and I was always the default parent when they were sick etc. This is terrible but what I’m struggling with most at the moment is that my husband’s career has soared and mine just died a death. Sometimes I try to hide my resentment but it’s always there. I did laugh at the drive by the field to see if the cows are still there. I think I wrote something at some point about counting the Lego pieces and checking they were all there in one of those tubs!