Bad choices

On how working and parenting right now feels like I can't do anything right and a pep talk.

I’ve been finding it hard to prioritise recently.

I wonder if it’s just me or more likely a phenomenom of parents in general.

Parenting is such that I have to prioritise my children; but that means I don’t prioritise myself.

Not something I should be complaining about right now as we are very much past the newborn, clingy teething toddler stage where one can’t go to the toilet without having to cradle one of the children on one’s lap.

Parenting hasn’t been hugely sacrificial recently in that respect.

The confusion of my priorities now comes between the hours of 9 and 5 on weekdays. My hours to work.

I prioritised work recently and my house became infested with carpet beetles.

I cursed myself for skipping the cleaning, for cutting corners and not paying enough attention. When I complained to my partner that the hoover wasn’t sucking up, he discovered it was so blocked that it likely hadn’t had much suction for a while. No wonder the bugs were having a field day.

I had been too lazy to clear it; I had had no time.

When I work I hate that everything has to wait until the weekend. That I am too exhausted in the evenings to think anything let alone do anything like cleaning. I sit in the dark staring into space or worse at my phone.

The carpet beetles weren’t hard to find (that’s if I have found them all - which is another story!). If you read about that mother’s day treat, they were found hiding right under my nose.

Had I prioritised work so much I had let the house suffer?

It wasn't true there was time, but weekends shouldn’t always be about cleaning. We need to have fun too, we spend time together; that is important.

Paid work takes priority

Paid work takes priority - that has always been my logic and last month it was paid and I was doing the right thing. We talk to my son about making good choices. Good choices means NOT throwing a plant pot and smashing it, it means using our kind hands and kind words… I had made good choices. I had made the right priorities - carpet beetles or not.

In the months since I have been available to work, I haven’t actually had a lot of paid work and so the very fact that I have been putting work first some days has felt strange. I tell myself that unpaid work is still a priority as it is still necessary. Time has to be spent finding work; connecting with recruiting agents, old colleagues and potential clients. I have to update my website, my portfolio, promote my work on every digital platform I see appropriate. I write blogs and share my expertise. These tasks are important but they don’t feel like they should be a priority because I am not paid for them.

Bad Timing

Last week my partner took the week off for part of the two week Easter holiday so I could work, but my services were not required. I did some bits to promote myself and some admin tasks, but by lunch time each day, I felt that I had had enough work time, and I wanted to spend time with them.

That week they were my priority, but after another week of holiday parenting I am exhausted and overwhelmed from too much time with my son. I wondered why I didn’t see this coming. I don’t know why I didn’t schedule “me” time last week when I had the chance. I hadn’t considered myself the priority.

In the weeks I was quiet I finally made time to speak to the Doctor about a long-standing health niggle, which ended with them sending me off for loads of tests. Of course these appointments landed in the weeks I had work, which really made me question my luck to be honest. But I consider my health as important and with understanding clients I was able to attend the appointments without any trouble, even though I had a little guilt. This felt ultimately like the right choice even though it was bad timing.

Sometimes I think I am being laughed at like in some sort of set up world like the Truman show, because honestly when it comes to timing my decisions always feel wrong.

What is the ultimate priority?

This leads me to think what is my ultimate priority; what is my why?

Why am I doing this?

Why am I working?
Why am I trying to work for myself instead of someone else?
Why am I not leaning into to being a SAHM?

I want to work because I find it stimulating; I need that in my life. I am freelance but my ultimate aim is to have my own clients so I can work flexibly around my children. I want to work remotely. I want to be able to manage my own time as I want to be able to get them from school at a reasonable hour.

But in prioritising my children, am I setting myself up for career failure?

It has not been lost on me how utterly impossible it has been to find freelance work this year that is both a) remote and b) flexible.

In the current economic climate the market is so saturated with amazing freelancers that I am not going to be first choice. I have been out of work for two and a half years and I have felt like I am new to an industry that I had been part of for over ten years.

It has also not been lost on me that the few weeks I am offered potential jobs have been in half terms and Easter holidays where I have had to turn them down due to no alternative childcare. With every email I have to explain that I am looking after my children, I have to remind myself why on earth I am attempting this in the first place.

Perhaps it was naive of me to assume as a freelancer, I could work when I wanted.

I am finding it’s a game of nerves that we have already lost as two months ago we served notice on the nursery to drop our son’s days from 5 to 3. Our nerves might have been steel but unfortunately after 5 months with little work, the bank balance was not able to sustain a full time nursery place any longer. I know that this will affect my ability to pick up freelance work even further, but I know it’s not impossible to find my own work. I have to believe my clients are out there.

I have to remind myself they exist. That I have lived this life before.

It feels like an age ago I was working weekends on a solo design job that has been featured in Brand New, which is where all the big branding projects get shouted about. That I had a great experience working with a large client that gave me the crazy idea I was even capable of this dream at all.

They believed in me and I need to believe in myself.

I need to remind myself I can do this and that when I question those priorities, I need to remember my reason why, my children, that they are the most important priority of them all.

Do you feel overwhelmed like me?
Do you feel like you always make the wrong decisions?

Come join me in the comments, I would love to hear your stories and know I am not alone!

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