Thank you for this brilliant piece of writing! You speak the truth. I have a constant underlying feeling that I am not doing enough and the the dread of people asking me what I am doing and having nothing ‘official’ to say that people understand. It definitely feels worse as my children grow and there is an assumption that it is less intense (of course there is some truth in this though I would argue that it is different intense!) At the same time, there is literally no time ever that I am doing nothing! And yes to the constant feeling of being on edge with a 2 and 4 year old…! I think yours are similar xx
Yes Lyndsay they are, well remembered. The terrible twos and a feisty four year old. The lack of time I find hard to believe myself because one child is self sufficient but as you say the issues are different now and the intensity is still there but in other ways. It’s hard!
Thank you so much for reading, and for your kind words ❤️
Such a brilliant post Kylie and this bit made me stop and think:
The projects I set myself are a reaction to the incredible boredom and lack of mental stimulation in my life with the kids. I need something to do to feel myself but in creating mental stimulation without the support network that it requires, I am causing myself unnecessary stress.
You've hit the nail on the head, I need to do different projects to get some kind of mental stimulation, even though I feel like it is really hard sometimes because of no support too. But for me I feel like I need those, to kind of carry me through the days and weeks and make me feel like me. Its a tough balance isn't it xx
Thank you Jenna. It’s that thing about being my own worst enemy really and giving myself a hard time for not being productive but it is hard because I need something. Where I get that from is society maybe, maybe how I was bought up I’ve always been a bit of an over-worker. I’m just completely unrealistic with how much time and mental space I have sometimes! Self compassion is needed but also self acceptance I guess it’s what I am like!
I so related to your train journey. I had two whole days to myself recently and I thought I was going to get so much written for my novel and do a Substack post and catch up on yard work and hang out with single friends and and and....I did maybe 27% of my goals and have not been able to really write since (despite my 6 year old telling me today I never want to play with them and only write, thanks Bluey for unrealistic parent play expectations).
I often loathe Bluey for similar reasons, but don’t feel bad about it. It is unrealistic as you say esp from a child’s pov when there’s like 2 episodes where the parents don’t want to play. I keep telling myself they’ll understand one day, and also having the skill to play on their own is also important. ❤️
I literally had a similar conversation with my best friend two nights ago. Mainly that mornings are terrible and I leave the house for work already feeling behind when the reality is I have done some form of exercise ranging from 10-20 minutes, gotten three small children dressed and fed, made coffee, gotten myself dressed but not always fed because I forget, picked up various toys around the house, written notes about what to expect for the day for our wonderful caregiver, maybe placed a phone call to the pediatrician about a weird rash, etc.
But because I am not at work and thus not doing anything “productive” - I do not feel productive.
I do miss breastfeeding sometimes - tucking away in a quiet place with a baby and a book.
Ahhhh, so much more to think about and say, @Kylie-Ann on this insightful piece. The main thing I have to say I do feel better knowing I am not the only one that struggles with this.
“The projects I set myself are a reaction to the incredible boredom and lack of mental stimulation in my life with the kids. I need something to do to feel myself but in creating mental stimulation without the support network that it requires, I am causing myself unnecessary stress.” I relate to this so much. I had to intentionally slow down because even though doing the projects gave me some sort of fulfillment, I would always end up burnt out. I think most of need to write it down and hang it on a wall somewhere to remind ourselves everyday. We’re doing great and productive work.
Thank you Jemima, I like this idea. I am guilty of having to remind myself and not believing it to be important. I feel like even saying otherwise, I know I will still think that I am not being productive enough. There is so much unlearning to be done.
Oh the boredom of raising small humans. Thank you for sharing this. We have been taught to not see motherhood as productive, and I think the lack of mental stimulation contributes to that narrative. And yet motherhood is so important. I find myself lately thinking other things are more important because it is hard to push against the narrative that we are all doing a really important job with our children.
Oh gosh… so much in here that resonates and I can’t help but feel so sad that the narratives so many of us hold are causing so much push and pull when it comes to motherhood (and life to be honest). This deep deep need to ‘do more’… to always be productive and not to see what we are doing in raising tiny humans as absolutely EVERYTHING. I grapple with all of these things but I am also finding compassion for myself because it’s not my fault, it’s the stories we have been told… and yet it is my responsibility to rebel against them and that feels tough. But it’s in the little pockets of ‘not doing’ that we can begin the ‘un-doing’ I think… it’s choosing to enjoy that train journey and look out the window and know that taking some breaths and being in the world is so very nourishing and far more ‘productive’ on a deeper level than ticking off to do lists that we have often imposed on ourselves. I have to constantly remind myself that a lot of my stress is self imposed because I feel like I need to do more to prove my worth… and I also have to remind myself that it’s only me that can choose to soften and slow in each moment. It’s a daily practice. I’m so grateful the words I shared met you when you needed them. Xxxxx
Thank you for reading Lauren. You articulate the feeling so well. You are so right that it’s self compassion we need. Even now I think why am I like this? But it’s societal pressures isn’t it and those little voices saying we have to do more is because we feel society doesn’t honour mothering as a task in itself and it is everything. 🙌🏻🙌🏻
Thank you for this brilliant piece of writing! You speak the truth. I have a constant underlying feeling that I am not doing enough and the the dread of people asking me what I am doing and having nothing ‘official’ to say that people understand. It definitely feels worse as my children grow and there is an assumption that it is less intense (of course there is some truth in this though I would argue that it is different intense!) At the same time, there is literally no time ever that I am doing nothing! And yes to the constant feeling of being on edge with a 2 and 4 year old…! I think yours are similar xx
Yes Lyndsay they are, well remembered. The terrible twos and a feisty four year old. The lack of time I find hard to believe myself because one child is self sufficient but as you say the issues are different now and the intensity is still there but in other ways. It’s hard!
Thank you so much for reading, and for your kind words ❤️
Such a brilliant post Kylie and this bit made me stop and think:
The projects I set myself are a reaction to the incredible boredom and lack of mental stimulation in my life with the kids. I need something to do to feel myself but in creating mental stimulation without the support network that it requires, I am causing myself unnecessary stress.
You've hit the nail on the head, I need to do different projects to get some kind of mental stimulation, even though I feel like it is really hard sometimes because of no support too. But for me I feel like I need those, to kind of carry me through the days and weeks and make me feel like me. Its a tough balance isn't it xx
Thank you Jenna. It’s that thing about being my own worst enemy really and giving myself a hard time for not being productive but it is hard because I need something. Where I get that from is society maybe, maybe how I was bought up I’ve always been a bit of an over-worker. I’m just completely unrealistic with how much time and mental space I have sometimes! Self compassion is needed but also self acceptance I guess it’s what I am like!
The journey is enough 😭❤️
I so related to your train journey. I had two whole days to myself recently and I thought I was going to get so much written for my novel and do a Substack post and catch up on yard work and hang out with single friends and and and....I did maybe 27% of my goals and have not been able to really write since (despite my 6 year old telling me today I never want to play with them and only write, thanks Bluey for unrealistic parent play expectations).
Oh Heather that sounds so familiar!
I often loathe Bluey for similar reasons, but don’t feel bad about it. It is unrealistic as you say esp from a child’s pov when there’s like 2 episodes where the parents don’t want to play. I keep telling myself they’ll understand one day, and also having the skill to play on their own is also important. ❤️
I literally had a similar conversation with my best friend two nights ago. Mainly that mornings are terrible and I leave the house for work already feeling behind when the reality is I have done some form of exercise ranging from 10-20 minutes, gotten three small children dressed and fed, made coffee, gotten myself dressed but not always fed because I forget, picked up various toys around the house, written notes about what to expect for the day for our wonderful caregiver, maybe placed a phone call to the pediatrician about a weird rash, etc.
But because I am not at work and thus not doing anything “productive” - I do not feel productive.
I do miss breastfeeding sometimes - tucking away in a quiet place with a baby and a book.
Ahhhh, so much more to think about and say, @Kylie-Ann on this insightful piece. The main thing I have to say I do feel better knowing I am not the only one that struggles with this.
Me too Emily, ❤️ thank you so much for sharing.
“The projects I set myself are a reaction to the incredible boredom and lack of mental stimulation in my life with the kids. I need something to do to feel myself but in creating mental stimulation without the support network that it requires, I am causing myself unnecessary stress.” I relate to this so much. I had to intentionally slow down because even though doing the projects gave me some sort of fulfillment, I would always end up burnt out. I think most of need to write it down and hang it on a wall somewhere to remind ourselves everyday. We’re doing great and productive work.
Thank you Jemima, I like this idea. I am guilty of having to remind myself and not believing it to be important. I feel like even saying otherwise, I know I will still think that I am not being productive enough. There is so much unlearning to be done.
Oh the boredom of raising small humans. Thank you for sharing this. We have been taught to not see motherhood as productive, and I think the lack of mental stimulation contributes to that narrative. And yet motherhood is so important. I find myself lately thinking other things are more important because it is hard to push against the narrative that we are all doing a really important job with our children.
Thank you for reading Emma. ❤️
Oh gosh… so much in here that resonates and I can’t help but feel so sad that the narratives so many of us hold are causing so much push and pull when it comes to motherhood (and life to be honest). This deep deep need to ‘do more’… to always be productive and not to see what we are doing in raising tiny humans as absolutely EVERYTHING. I grapple with all of these things but I am also finding compassion for myself because it’s not my fault, it’s the stories we have been told… and yet it is my responsibility to rebel against them and that feels tough. But it’s in the little pockets of ‘not doing’ that we can begin the ‘un-doing’ I think… it’s choosing to enjoy that train journey and look out the window and know that taking some breaths and being in the world is so very nourishing and far more ‘productive’ on a deeper level than ticking off to do lists that we have often imposed on ourselves. I have to constantly remind myself that a lot of my stress is self imposed because I feel like I need to do more to prove my worth… and I also have to remind myself that it’s only me that can choose to soften and slow in each moment. It’s a daily practice. I’m so grateful the words I shared met you when you needed them. Xxxxx
Thank you for reading Lauren. You articulate the feeling so well. You are so right that it’s self compassion we need. Even now I think why am I like this? But it’s societal pressures isn’t it and those little voices saying we have to do more is because we feel society doesn’t honour mothering as a task in itself and it is everything. 🙌🏻🙌🏻
I think you would enjoy this podcast episode… https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-menstruality-podcast/id1585876518?i=1000657987951 xx