Turning the cameras off

it's time

I am of a generation of children who were permitted, rightly or wrongly, to wander the streets alone. We would hang out in the local children’s park, dangling from the swings with friends for hours after school. We would chat and mess about, eating bags of penny sweets purchased from the corner shop. We would head home when we were hungry or when the sun went down, whichever was sooner.

But times have changed and it is so rare to see children playing out alone these days.

Of course we see those moments with rose-tinted glasses. We were young and having fun. Completely care free. Ignorant of the potential dangers perhaps, although not forever as it was also the time of some very high profile kidnapping stories - one of which still occupies the headlines today.

Were our parents worried? I don’t know.

Were we left alone out of necessity? Quite possibly.

It was a different time then, but it was still dangerous. Both me and my sister were knocked down by cars in separate incidences (although with no more than a scratch I should add), a boy round the corner’s toes were run over by another car and his brother was shot in the arm whilst popping out to the shops to get some milk. Bones were broken and dodgy things happened. We are probably lucky to have survived our 90s childhood, but lessons were learned. We learned to take care of ourselves. We learned about life.

I worry as many parents do that not having these opportunities will impede on my own children’s independence. Our kids are a generation of children that are so closely watched it is inevitable that their experiences will be so different from our own. I worry that they won’t learn the necessary life skills that one learns when one is left to one’s own devices. That they won’t learn to deal with the world and the people in it.

My children are only 5 and 3 years old, so their days of independence are a while in the future. A future unknown but it seems less and less likely that they will have those experiences that I grew up with. Less likely that I will be able to let them have those experiences.

Even if they are ‘allowed’ to walk the streets in the local area with friends, or walk to school unaccompanied, it seems expected these days that as parents we should be tracking their every move via GPS or insisting they contact us regularly with a mobile phone.

Will they ever know true independence like we did?

It feels weird when talking to my son after school - I sometimes have an idea of what he did during the day because I saw a post on social media, or with my youngest son, I get regular updates on what he has eaten and played with that day. They will often look at me confused if I mention something they haven’t told me. How do you know that? You weren’t there.

In a way it was a relief when nursery stopped marking down every bladder and bowel movement my sons had, or when my eldest went to school and all I know now is that he had something to eat - I don’t know what or how much - but he is growing and that is all I need to know. And I am glad. This world of 24 hr surveillance is surely not healthy.

I was shocked to hear a lady at a networking event say she still tracks her young adult son and that he wants her to.

I don’t want to be that parent. I don’t want my son to want that level of surveillance.

And when she said it I thought; that won’t be me. But I thought of the monitor in the boys bedroom. The camera that we turn on each night and have done for over five years. The camera with the tiny screen I check in the middle of the night when one of our sons (because we can only see one!) will be sleeping soundly - barely moved from his original position.

My partner would often forget to bring it downstairs with him and would shrug - we don’t need it: they are fine. But I needed it.

Logically I know that our children are old enough to warn us of dangers. To let us know, with words, or a loud voice - if something is wrong. What use is having a 2 x 1 inch black and white picture of only one of them?

But it soothed me. It was my comfort.

My partner calls me “sMother” and jokes about the fact that I find it hard to let go of the boys. That I find it hard to relinquish control.

But not long ago we turned the camera off and it has stayed off.

Like many things in parenting, the decision was made for us. Balmy heatwave nights meant that our sons needed a fan on and with only two plug sockets it was either disconnect the monitor or the clock - and we all know how much of a ball ache it is to change the time on a clock, right?

It has left me to think, however, what will happen in those early teenage years? When my eldest is ready to walk to school alone…When he asks to play out with his friends after school…Will I be ready? Is it me that will struggle to let go?

Is 5 years too long to have a monitor in your children’s room?
Do you find it hard to let go?
What do you think about our children having/not having experience of the real world?

Come join me in the comments, I would love to hear your stories.

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