Sunday scaries [suhn-dey skair-eez]
The feeling goes by many different names, including the Sunday blues, shakes, or scaries. It is set off by the nagging dread of–or, more intensely, the panic at the thought of–the work or school week ahead. Scientists attribute the Sunday scaries to anticipatory anxiety.
Source: Dictionary.com
On the evening of the Sunday, or in this case it was the bank holiday Monday, I was filled with anxiety looking down the barrel of two long weeks entertaining toddlers in my own house, without any additional support other than my partner. Thoughts circled in my head; I didn’t sleep very well.
It is Easter, I should be excited by all the craft activities and the easter-themed entertainment that lay ahead, except I am not, I am filled with dread. The weeks ahead won’t be like our normal weeks, normal weeks I find hard anyway due to their relentlessness, these weeks will be much harder.
I am anxious about the fact that where we usually spend our time will be unavailable to us and the remaining places that are open will be expensive and busy. Places that in term-time might be filled with pre-schoolers, will be taken over by even more boisterous and much stronger school-age children. Any where that is mildly suitable for children of any age will suddenly become riddled with them. In our small town, there simply isn’t enough room for everyone. There won’t be room on buses, and shops and cafés will be at maximum capacity.
I won’t be able to go out, I won’t have anywhere to go but I can’t stay inside.
I will pray that the weather will be mild and dry enough for us to get outside, in the hope that I can tire my children out in the wild and without spending money I don’t have, but we all know that it always seems to rain when the kids are off; it is Murphy’s Law.
I am anxious about the fact that I don’t know what to do with them.
I am one of the lucky ones. My childcare arrangement, although limited in that I only have one full day when the boys are both in nursery, still runs regardless of half terms or holiday breaks. Apart from Good Friday, I will still get my opportunity to work, the opportunity to breathe, and for that I am grateful. Some people have the whole week to cover, their nursery or pre-school closed alongside the primary and secondary schools. I honestly don’t know how they cope.
I don’t lose childcare in the holiday periods, but I do lose support.
Without a Lifeline
I have found a lifeline recently in mother and toddler groups. These are mostly church-run volunteer-led community groups local to us where you pay a small amount of money, usually £1, to gather with other mums and toddlers in a public space for a couple of hours. Mums can enjoy a chat with other human beings whilst the toddlers enjoy playing with someone else’s toys. They are mayhem, usually, but a mayhem we know.
It seems like a small thing, really, but the effects of these groups are huge on myself and my toddlers. Without these groups I may not talk to another adult who isn’t my partner for days. I have found talking to be a good activity for me recently, in coping with the mental load of motherhood. I can vent, I can share and I can find solace in the shared experience. In talking with others at these groups in particular, I can and often do feel less alone. My toddlers on the other hand have one less reason to be bored.
I have often wondered why these groups don’t operate during school holidays. I really wish they did. These groups are so important. In the school holidays I am lost without them. The six week slog during August is the longest and loneliest time to be the primary carer of pre-school age children. There is no support, there is no one to talk to, friends from these groups disappear with their older children or off on exciting holidays, and people like me are just left trying to enjoy every minute - as we are often told to do.
The Solution
I wonder what the solution is, and the obvious one - keeping the groups open, was mentioned once by one particular volunteer at one group I go to and I tried not to sound too keen in my reply.
“If we opened during the school holidays would you come?”
Yes yes yes! I wanted to scream, but instead I just said, “Of course, we have nothing else to do!”
Where this isn’t possible, how can we avoid these Sunday scaries, this intense anticipatory anxiety at the week ahead?
Sunday scaries are associated with work weeks, and whilst motherhood isn’t a job, I wondered if there were some learnings that could be taken from the world of work.
Ultimately this is anxiety, dreading a bad - read: boring, unfulfilling, challenging, week ahead, that hangs over the weekend prior, a time in which you are meant to be enjoying. For me, that would be the term-time period - the time when I can do the things I would normally do with my children without the fear of bigger kids overwhelming the place.
One article in the Guardian, written by André Spicer, author of the book Business Bullshit, gives some solutions to enjoying the time before.
Embrace the good
“One US study found that when participants were asked to treat their weekend as a mini-vacation, they tended to do more enlivening activities and returned to work on Monday more energised and satisfied with their jobs.”1
On the last day of term-time normality, I did take my kids to the new toddler play area in our town and it was really fun. It’s a role-play café with padded soft floors and a super fast slide. It’s gorgeously decorated too with muted tones and tonnes of birch plywood. I noted and cherished the relative calm compared to how I imagined it would be in the holidays, but I am not sure this made me less anxious about the week ahead. If anything, it made me keen to return there, busy or not as the real fear for me is being stuck in the house all day with them with no where to go. We went again because I wanted to see how busy it was when it was full, when bigger kids were there and it wasn’t too bad. I can’t go too often, though, it’s only downside is its cost.
In improving the Monday blues, that dreaded first day of the week to come, André suggests that “introducing simple changes such as starting the day with something you are good at, setting aside a little unstructured time where you are able to do what you want, or setting up a lunchtime date with someone you find enjoyable to be around could make all the difference.” 2
Be Social
I am keen to meet friends during the holidays, with or without the kids, as I know without that conversation at the groups I would normally go to, I will turn inward and feel awful. I need to vent or even just to have some social interaction with another adult to balance out the toddler role play, or conversations about trucks and buses. I need this conversation to maintain something of myself. Whether this is in person or a phone call I need to make a special effort during this time to be social. And of course there are people we don’t often see in term-time as they have children who are at school and we should see this as an opportunity to see them, too.
Time to Reframe
The other point Spicer makes about unstructured time could be something to think about. This idea of being stuck inside, either by the weather or the busy transport gives me anxiety as I am losing the autonomy and independence I have in term-time. Avoiding busy public transport, I could either walk somewhere a little more local, or get the bikes out and pray it doesn’t rain. Perhaps it is reframing that thought, that without the groups we have freedom, actually, that we can go anywhere any time - we won’t be missing out on anything extra by not being around at a particular time. It is an opportunity to go further afield on the train, perhaps, or stay much closer to home. Either way a change of scene could do us good.
The reality
In reality though, this isn’t a job that I am dreading it is motherhood and whilst I am an advocate for saying it’s okay for it to feel hard, and it’s okay to communicate that, it isn’t the mothering itself that I am dreading, its the loss of support and the loss of community. That fear that it will be just me and the boys and I will have no one to talk to is unrealistic. I have a phone in my pocket, I can message friends across the world and receive a reply in seconds - I can have adult conversations with people who aren’t in the same room as me - what am I worried about?
I think the fear stems from that time 4 years ago, I know many of us would prefer to forget, when we were isolated. Those who were alone were further alone, and it is only in finding the lifeline in these groups now that I see how lonely I was then. I thought I was coping with the strangeness of it all - the new parenthood alongside the unknown of a global pandemic, but I struggled. My son was ill in hospital and then his sleep was bad and I was at a loss for the first few months. Anxious thoughts spiralled, escalating tiny problems into bigger ones - something that surfaces every now and then as I look to more challenging weeks ahead.
So in a way, these anxious thoughts of not having those groups available to me this coming school holiday, has only highlighted to me how important they really are. They truly have become a lifeline and have had a positive impact on my mental health. Without them, I literally wouldn’t know where I would be.
Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed Distracted please do share this post with a friend.
Do you get the Sunday Scaries?
How do you survive the school holidays? Do you dread them, like me, or do you embrace the freedom they offer?
What support is important to you in your community?
Do you have a favourite play group/community group you go to?
If this post resonated with you, I would love to hear your stories.
Please do join me in the comments.
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The ‘Sunday scaries’ are all too real for many workers, but there are simple ways to help, the Guardian, 19 March 2023, André Spicer.
The ‘Sunday scaries’ are all too real for many workers, but there are simple ways to help, the Guardian, 19 March 2023, André Spicer.
Motherhood IS a job! Just because there is no paycheck doesn't mean the "work" isn't some of the most important there is. And it IS work to do it well. It stems from love, but your needs must be tended to so you can care for your kiddos. Hang in there!
Oooo I feel this so much, I often call it the Monday Morning Fear when I realise I haven’t planned anything for us to do and I have the week ahead to fill… And yes the holidays are the pits…it is beyond difficult when everything for preschoolers closes, it is as if young children don’t exist at these times. And yes you are so right, it is not the mothering we are worried about, it’s the doing it alone without the support or familiar faces at the groups we come to rely on. Sending love to you xx