If there is one thing I have noticed in children it is that they are unashamedly themselves, and unashamedly there.
There has been a few of those headlines recently, people campaigning for an adult-only flight, for example, or that lady on twitter who went around on a flight apologising in advance for her “misbehaving” child. Children are children and they are going to cry and have emotional outbursts and do strange things and guess what? There’s nothing parents can do about it and neither should they feel they have to.
I hadn’t really thought about it too much, my children kick off a fair amount in public - they are 3 and 1 years old it would be strange if they didn’t. I try not to shout (doesn’t always work) restrain them if necessary, offer comfort and get on with it. But I noticed when it happens with my partner, his instinct is to get up and leave.
He wants to leave because they are being a nuisance. Their shrills are spoiling other people’s days but that doesn’t bother me. I try not to leave somewhere with them if they are being challenging. In that moment I don’t really care what anyone else thinks and actually my priority is to deal with them. I think the reason we react differently is because it happens an awful lot to me, being the primary carer during the week. I am simply more used to it; it doesn’t embarrass me any more and neither should it. Their cries aren’t a reflection on me or my parenting, they are trying to let me know that they need something, or that something is wrong. It really has nothing to do with anyone else.
When I read about the lady on the flight who apologised in advance for her small baby crying, I really felt sad for her. She shouldn’t feel like she needs to apologise for anything. That child can kick and scream if it wants to, it has a right to exist on the planet as much as any person complaining about them but people were applauding her efforts. The caption reads: what a wonderful gesture of respect for others - except it isn’t respectful of the baby is it? Essentially apologising for her child’s absolutely normal and understandable developmentally appropriate behaviour is not only unnecessary but unreasonable.
The same could be said of people demanding child-free public places. I understand the need perhaps for a child free time - perhaps a romantic date would be spoiled by the cries of a three year old who wanted their toast cut into triangles and not squares, for example, but in my mind that’s what evenings are for - when children are in bed - that’s your child-free time.
There is one place I do agree should be child-free, and that is the hairdressers. I have to admit that when I go to the hairdressers, I have usually booked it in as some form of belated self-care away from the children and by the time I get there with my scraggly overgrown misshapen fuzz ball I am absolutely desperate for silence, or at least some adult-chat - I do not want to hear Blippi on a phone’s tinny speaker from across the room, or a child upset because they don’t enjoy getting their hair cut as much as me. As a mum, I started to see the ladies’ hairdressers as a bit of a child-free sanctuary where we go to escape so I try not to take the children with me - I don’t feel the same about the Barbers though, and enjoy taking my screaming children there. It feels balancing somehow.
It should be said though, that when a child kicks off and it isn’t yours, it doesn’t bother you as much as if it were your own. The cries can be affecting - especially a very small baby, but really the stress levels in your brain don’t respond the same way and are no where near as extreme. People always apologise when their babies are fussing in public, but it really isn’t necessary. The baby is communicating something urgent to its carer in the only way it knows how, it would be as if anyone else would apologise for talking, for asking for food or water, and that wouldn’t be right.
If anyone isn’t apologetic in all of this, it is children and I love them for it.
If they need something, they ask. If they are upset, they let you know. They are too young to suppress their emotions into public friendly boxes, ensuring that they don’t upset anyone near by and to be honest I think we could all learn from them.
It would be refreshing wouldn’t it, if people said what they actually were feeling instead of how they think they should feel? Or if someone was upset with you, that they would just say rather than keep it in, storing it as resentment ready to bubble over at a later argument. We want our children to name and share their emotions, but it seems strange then that we don’t do it ourselves.
Their cries may be loud and they are annoying, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t entitled to them.
Luckily many young children don’t know that people think this about them, or at least not yet. When they are very young, and starting to talk properly they are fearless. My son often starts conversations with strangers. Sometimes he can do it quite awkwardly or loudly, usually accompanied by an erratic pointing finger. My instinct is to shut him up, to stop him from being a nuisance, but more recently I have tried to resist doing that. How will he learn to speak to people if I am always telling him to be quiet? and in doing so what am I telling him about his worth? That he is less important than others, that he doesn’t deserve to speak? It’s not going to do his self-confidence any good. Anyway, it has been good for me too, actually. The funny things he says start bigger conversations and often make people laugh. I’d say most people walk away from our conversations with a smile, however awkwardly they start, so it can’t be all bad.
As we get older, especially as women and girls, we are encouraged to be quieter, display less emotion and to take up as little space as possible, as to not get in anyone’s way but children are there to remind us that we do need to take up space and sometimes that does need to get in someone else’s way, or upset someone else and that is too bad.
Milli Hill explained Patriarchy Chicken on her Substack, The Mule, last week - a fun game where, as a female, you stand your ground in a crowded place and see how many men will actually just walk into you - not used to people not moving out of the way for them. This resonated with me. I play a similar game with my double buggy, although less for laughs and more out of necessity.
You can play Patriarchy Chicken on the pavements of city streets, on your commute, as you stroll through a holiday resort - anywhere where there are people. The rules are simple - you are a woman and you hold your ground. You have to be female to play, and, as a man walks towards you, you have to stick to your existing path, not side-step, not waver, not slow down and not get out of the way.
Warning number one: you will find this surprisingly hard.
Warning number two: a considerable number of men will walk into you.
Milli Hill, The Mule
I have a double buggy that I lug the children and the many bags they need around with me and I come across issues of accessibility daily. Doors aren’t wide enough, there are too many steps, the lifts are out of order, there is no where to put the buggy once inside somewhere that isn’t in the way, the list is endless. We literally take up more space now. We take up more room on the bus and people often have to move when they see us coming down the pavement. I try not to say sorry, I have no need to apologise, but instead I try Thank you, because I am grateful for these efforts.
I see those space-saving buggies that cost a fortune and they bother me. Yes, it would be convenient if I didn’t have issues with say getting inside a door to a café, or being able to fold it neatly on a train, but actually I would be paying through the nose to appease other people’s expectation of us. It’s not so much convenience for me as it would be about hiding away and becoming less of a problem for society.
On a train journey recently, I surprised myself. I had commandeered the bicycle section of the train to make a point: determined to take up space that was convenient for us. My youngest had been sleeping, although he woke fairly early on in the journey and I wanted to keep the buggy up. (Not to mention wanting to avoid the sheer struggle of folding said buggy, carrying bags and screaming children down the aisle of a busy train on my own to find a seat.) I wanted to make a point of being a higher priority than bicycles - as there is no specialised areas for buggies on the train (or luggage even) but it was only two stops into the journey when four bikes made their way onto the train, blocking access to the toilet and I realised I had no choice but to move. I then had to deal with the children, fold the buggy and managed to get through a wall of people standing in the end of the carriage to the main seating area, only to find the only spare seats were at the opposite end. I did something I would never have done before and I asked someone to move. I recognised that our needs were more important than theirs - the people sitting alone in two seats who were perfectly mobile enough to go to the middle of the carriage, whereas it would be a struggle for us. I asked politely, clearly and confidently. In fact, I didn’t think twice about doing it, the words came out of my mouth before I had chance to stop them.
I would never have done this before kids, even when I was heavily pregnant I would avoid looking anyone in the eye if I needed their seat, so I wouldn’t accidentally embarrass them into offering me it once they saw my bump.
I have definitely found my voice since having kids and although it has often come from need, they are encouraging me not suppress my needs and emotions.
I hope that as they get older, their confidence won’t be lost and they don’t learn to shy away like so many of us have. In knowing that they are worthy of being here, taking up space on this planet (physically and audibly) and fighting for such, they have taught me that there is space for me too.
What have your kids taught you? I’d love to hear your stories - let me know in the comments.
Yesssss!!
Love that you asked for people to move!! I’m am also going to have to check out that piece on Patriarchy Chicken!!!
Such great lessons from these little beings!! Xx