Should have brought a book

A new level of parenting has been unlocked (kind of)

Not meaning to brag but life is good at the moment; we have entered a new level of parenting.

It hasn’t been easy so far. My children are 6 and 4. They are fairly self-sufficient but they are both boys and they fight constantly. Both my partner and I, whether alone or together, regularly stand poised whilst they play ready to break them up. (Ready to prevent a trip to A & E, frankly.) Looking after them has always been stressful but these days it is getting easier. The duration of time between fighting is lengthening. Long enough, sometimes, dare I say, for us to relax and I have found myself thinking recently, why didn’t I bring a book or something with me?

Of course, there will always be the moment when we take our eyes off them and one of our children will suffer a scratch at the hands of the other over a minor disagreement, but mostly it takes just a quick word with one and a cuddle with the other and we are back to calm.

This truly is new territory but we have been embracing it this Easter holiday.

We have partaken in all sorts of activities while we have relished in this new found freedom. Drawing and writing for me ( hey look, another substack post drafted) and reading - lots of reading for us both. (I am trying to use the time well and stay off the social media doom scroll, although this does happen every so often.) Then there is the writing that isn’t writing; the thinking, the planning. What a joy it is to be able to think.

It is a joy when it happens. (Although it isn’t always a given, as any parents I am sure will agree). It is all I have wanted for so long and it always felt so far away and unreachable.

I want to tell the Kylie that started this newsletter, with a 6 month old and a two and a half year old who had just stopped napping and reduced his days at preschool, I want to tell her that this life will exist for her. I want to tell her she will get there. One day she will be the lady in the corner reading while her children play like angels, one day she will type on her phone without worrying that one of the children has escaped through the exit. One day this life will be hers… (I’m sat writing this now at a train-themed stay and play and I just got up to check my son is still in the room – he is.)

It seems to have happened quickly, this development. It wasn’t so long ago I was berated by the pelvic floor specialist for not finding time three times a day to do my pelvic floor exercises. They are a few minutes where I have to concentrate and squeeze muscles that need squeezing. It is imperative I do them for my long-term health. I can just about manage some while I am supervising the children or on the bus or in the car (I’m always the passenger) - but she had wanted me to use a device and there was no way I could make that happen. The device meant I had to strip off my trousers and do the exercises laying down on the bed with the device inside of me. The specialist didn’t understand why I couldn’t find 3 x 5 minutes to myself each day to do this. (She even commented that my children were old enough now not to be used as an excuse!)

Anyway, I do manage to do some pelvic floor exercises (without taking my trousers off) and even finding these moments of calm throughout the day has become slightly easier than it once was. But actually finding time to read a book? With the two kids around? That’s new.

I’m ecstatic about this new development, but I wonder how long it will last. I’m always worrying the kids will spot me doing something I enjoy and spoil it. They have a knack for knowing that I have checked out from the room mentally and start whining until I am back in. (I am reading through this piece now with my son at home and he is begging me to play with him!)

There is a bit of a disclaimer coming. I have written this piece over a day and experiences all seasons of neediness from my youngest son in particular. The day ended with me trying the sketch a picture of one of them whilst they both watched television, but as soon as they figured out what I was doing (i.e enjoying myself) one of them got a pen out to literally sabotage it! I honestly started the day in such a good mood - 1 hour of pure peace and quiet at a stay and play - this was a shock and I wonder if I am actually in this new level of parenting at all and perhaps it was just wishful thinking…

There is always a price to pay, I find. This morning I had quiet time, but having the afternoon as well is too much. My youngest son is clearly starved of attention and demands it more strongly now. Then there is the fact that whilst I may be absorbed in something like writing or reading or whatever – where I lose track of time or don’t really pay much attention to where they are or what they are doing – I shouldn’t be surprised then to find my room in a state, pillows and duvet on the floor or their toys strewn over the room because of some game they are playing.

The other thing I have noticed is that because we, as parents, do never really switch off and somehow my peripheral vision sees danger before I am even conscious I am looking for it, I still find myself coming to the rescue of other people’s children. There is a ride on train here, for example, at the stay and play, right by where I have chosen to sit and every now and then it comes off the track and I will get to the train before it tips and the child falls on the floor.

I’m happy to help. I am sure people helped me back when I had toddlers. (Some did anyway, I have plenty of stories when people did not help.) Even so, I always hoped people would, believed they could and they should, maybe. We always say it’s a community that raises children, and what has happened to me as my children have got older and more independent is that my role within the community has shifted slightly. I can be more helpful to others now I am stressing less about my own kids.

There is progress being made and it was my partner’s revelation that confirmed it:

He is finding opportunities to read his book. At swimming.

Regular readers might remember when we started taking swimming lessons last Summer, I would stand at the pool side, my son sat in between my legs as we begged him to try to get in the water so the teacher could teach him alongside the other five children. When he was in, I stayed nearby to help prevent him trying to climb out again or I would offer support while the teacher coaxed him to try to move his legs. My partner no longer has to do any of these things. He can sit at the far end of the pool or in the cubicles at the side and leave the teacher to do her thing. If that’s not a sign of progress, then I don’t know what is.

How is parenting going for you?

Do you remember the hard days/are they still hard?

Do you get moments to think/do/draw/read? How do you spend these moments?

Come join me in the comments I would love to hear your stories.

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