Every month is the same: emotional outbursts make me feel like a terrible mother. A dark cloud hangs over the week leading up to my period. It’s tough on me and tough on the kids, but what can I do to make it easier?
I am a bad mother when I am due my period. I am stressed and anxious. I am easily triggered by grumpy children, I snap quickly, I can’t control my emotional outbursts. From my children’s viewpoint I am probably terrifying. I swear and then I apologise. I cry a lot. It’s hard.
Even before we had children, I remember pre-warning my partner about the week leading up to my period. I would get easily upset, unexpectedly tearful. It’s not you, it’s me, I remember saying. A dark cloud hangs over me that week: it’s hard to make me smile, and I am not nice to be around - I say catty things that I don’t mean but it’s not you, it’s me, I’d say and I’m excused.
My partner may understand but it is hard to explain to children what exactly is going on. Why their mother appears to be a different person for one week of the month. There is no empathy and allowances made for me from them. They are their normal selves: but the way I respond can be very different:
Days that might have been normally manageable, I feel like I am drowning
Letting my emotions get the better of me leads me to question whether or not I am doing a bad job.
They cry and they need me but I am overwhelmed, overstimulated, I don’t want them near me. I can’t give them what they need and yet, days later my period will come and there is an intense relief.
The dark cloud lifts; it might not be sunny but at least its not forecast to thunder; it’s all going to be okay. I carry on. Then three weeks later it happens again.
I read an article this week in the Stylist about PMDD a severe form on PMS, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, which can be debilitating. The symptoms for some can be so severe, it can ruin relationships. I related to a lot of this article but I don’t think my symptoms are that bad, but still, I think they should be taken seriously.
Emma Barnett suffers from Endometriosis, which gives her incredibly painful and heavy periods but she admits that it isn’t only those with a specific condition who suffer:
“While most women may not have a specific condition, they still often feel grim at that time of the month… It’s just a real party for your whole body during a period.”
Emma Barnett, Period: It’s About Bloody Time
When I was in sixth form at school, we were able to sign up to P.E. classes that we actually wanted to do and one of them was Yoga. I was sceptical about the mindfulness aspect when we first sat down and the instructor started to rabbit on about waterfalls and dappled light, but I reasoned that it was less strenuous than athletics and was therefore a better option. At the beginning of each lesson, we would be laying down with our eyes closed and the yoga instructor would ask how we were feeling today? and if we were on our period we were asked to raise our hand. It was only for the eyes of the instructor; she would forgive our wonky downward dog, but it also felt like an admission to ourselves - that we should be kinder and gentler. She explained that menstruating is tough on our bodies and we shouldn’t expect it to perform in the same way - whether she was talking about the physicality of yoga or the mental effort behind our school work I am not sure, but she had a point and it has been one of the few lessons from school that has stayed with me all these years later.
I am almost four years into parenting and I don’t know how many menstrual cycles I have had where I become exhausted and overwhelmed, and I have ignored my body and carried on. I snap at my children when they test me, which makes me feel anxious and stressed, easily triggered by the next tantrum, until the darkness dissipates and is forgotten only for it to happen again the following month.
I hate the way PMS/PMT can be used to belittle women’s feelings, and when we hear the phrase, “Is it PMS?” when we are due our periods it fills us with incandescent rage, but it is true. Feelings we do have are amplified by hormones and there is science behind it.
In the Follicular phase, (1st-13th day of menstrual cycle) Eleanor Morgan explains that symptoms can come about from an increase in the hormone, oestrogen:
“A major spike in oestrogen just before ovulation can, depending on your individual sensitivity to the hormone fluctuation, cause headaches, bloating, tiredness, nausea, low mood, anxiety and trouble sleeping.”
Eleanor Morgan, Hormonal
In reading about the hormonal changes our bodies go through during the menstrual cycle, it is clear that it isn’t in our heads. In the Luteal phase (15th - 28th day) progesterone rises to prepare the uterus for the fertilised egg, and causes havoc again.
“Progesterone is a sedating hormone and, as levels increase, it can slow us down. We might feel physically tired, mentally foggy and introverted.”
Eleanor Morgan, Hormonal
They are real chemical changes within our bodies, they may be temporary but they are real. By acknowledging they are temporary changes to our body chemistry, Eleanor Morgan explains that it has helped her cope with the ups and downs or her cycle:
“Knowing that my biology is part of the picture, that a hormonal surge is a temporary thing, sometimes gives me a touch stone… This over time has made me feel equipped.”
Eleanor Morgan, Hormonal
Similarly to Eleanor, years of experience of my periods have led me to accept the rhythms of my cycle. I have noted down in my period tracking app enough times to notice the correlation between certain moods and bodily symptoms phases of my menstrual cycle. In a way I can prepare for it and I can accept it: I can control certain elements to make this easier for me - for my life to better work with my cycle rather than against it but if there is one thing I cannot control, it is my children.
My children and unpredictable and how I react is very dependent on my cycle and how I am feeling. My children see a different person for the week leading up to my period - I see a different me, but the emotional outburst they are subjected to are me crying out for help - my body is being tested, I am exhausted and overwhelmed. It’s time I started to listen to my body and my year 12 yoga instructor and take it easier around that time of the month.
Before children I had some form of a self-care ritual around my period. I would do less. I would equip myself with ibuprofen and a fresh hot water bottle and I would sit on the sofa with a good book. I distracted myself with work rather than avoid it and I knew that exercise dulled the pain. Self care rituals seem more obvious for when I am actually on my period, but what about the week before it? The week where my hormones are making me angry and they won’t let me sleep?
I know it is easier said than done, but here are some thoughts of how I can relieve the pressure to lessen the sense of overwhelm and hopefully, with it, lessen the intensity any emotional outbursts during those hormone fluctuations.
Ask for Help
This is the hardest one for me. I don’t ask for help even when I know I need it. I assume everyone is thinking of the things I am, so obviously I need help with x and y and I get infuriated when I am not helped. I can’t expect people to read my mind, I have to use my voice.
Take Breaks
When there’s a tantrum and an outburst and we are just having one of those days, I am learning to walk away: to breathe. Those few seconds give me more emotional distance. To stop it getting to the stage where I am so easily triggered, I need to take more breaks, which means taking less on in that week - maybe don’t take that day trip into London with the two children on my own, or maybe don’t expect to get much work done: it can wait.
Do Something for Me
This month a hair appointment was the one thing I held on to on the tough days. I enjoy having my hair washed by someone else. I love the inane chat with strangers. It’s time I sit, my hands hidden under a cape and I literally can’t do anything else but be in that moment - I hold onto every second of it because it is my time. Other ideas could be a solo coffee, or lunch, a trip to the library for pleasure (not work) or a walk out in nature.
Drink Less Caffeine
When I am stressed and particularly around the time my period is due I do not sleep well. I will have nights I wake at 4 am and lay there cursing myself for not sleeping. I crave caffeine: tea, Coca-Cola, chocolate but I know it will make me more anxious, I will sleep even worse and I will be less able to deal with my children. I need to remind myself to reign it in.
Look After My Body
Similarly, overwhelm makes me want to eat plain pasta covered in cheese and the lack of nutrition and variety in my diet can’t be doing me any favours at this time.
Have Compassion
I think of the yoga instructor’s words: to be kind to myself and to be more understanding. I am not a superhero and despite being high functioning the majority of the time, and seen not to be struggling, when I am on my period I drown. I am not performing as well and neither should I be expected to be but it is temporary and it will pass.
Do you notice a difference in how you parent when your period is due?
Do you have any self-care rituals during/leading up to your period?
Do you have any tips for how to be more self-compassionate?
Let me know in the comments, I’d love to hear from you.
Further Reading:
This week I have read to support my newsletter. I’d recommend these books if you are wanting to discover more about hormones and the menstrual cycle.
Eleanor Morgan, Hormonal: A Conversation About Women’s Bodies, Mental Health and Why We Need to be Heard (2019)
Didn’t comment on this at the time but rediscovered thanks to your mega pregnancy/postnatal resource.
I was always quite bad before having a baby but it’s now on a whole other level. I had a gynaecologist tell me it “sounds like PMDD” but, to be honest, I’m still not buying it. Some months are genuinely terrible, some less so, and it largely depends on whatever else I have going on and whether or not I have the ability to practise self care and to rest.
I track every single day and I’m now able to see the patterns (ovulation is a bitch, then things settle again, then the week before my period is MAD) and adjust accordingly, and remind myself I’m not a terrible person or mother! It also helps to calm me down as I don’t wanna “give my hormones the satisfaction” 😂
I resonate with this a lot. Thank you for talking about it! I never had particularly bad periods until after I had kids, so dealing with the PMS leading up to them is challenging because it's always sort of unexpected and I have to take a minute to figure out why I'm feeling the way I feel. I'm working through it and appreciate you offering suggestions on how I can care for myself during this time.