'Pregnancy was lonely. I went on dates to kill time'
In conversation with single mum and surrogate Elisha Homer
Elisha is a single mum to eleven year old Lacey. In 2021, following a series of successful egg donations, Elisha carried a surrogate baby to term, delivering a healthy baby boy to a same-sex couple who she had previously not known.
Elisha is my sister and I have always been very proud of her decision to become a surrogate, not least because now a mother myself, I understand how selfless a decision it was. I was keen to ask her a few questions from what inspired her to become a surrogate to what it was like to keep on dating despite being visibly pregnant. Join us as we catch up in my very first guest interview for Distracted.
Photo by Elisha Homer
What inspired you to become a surrogate?
I had been doing egg donations. That was through a Facebook ad, actually, back in 2018. I did that four times and with every positive update, there was always a chance it was going to be negative. There was one particular woman who had a miscarriage with one of the eggs and it inspired me to want to help further. I remember asking a nurse at an appointment what else I could do, and they suggested surrogacy. I asked what it was, and she said “well, you grow the baby all the way.” I remember thinking “that’s a bit of an ask, isn’t it?” but I looked into it and eventually I decided I wanted to help.
I think I have always felt incredibly guilty. Lacey wasn’t planned, I didn’t even know I was pregnant, I was asymptomatic. How did it happen for me so easily, and I was so blissfully unaware? Yet there are people out there spending hundreds of thousands of pounds, hours and hours, with all the emotional impact and strain on their relationships and families, desperately trying to conceive a baby and it’s just not happening for them. It didn’t feel fair.
Your daughter, Lacey, was only eight years old when you were pregnant with the surrogate baby. That’s quite a lot for her to understand at that age. How involved was she?
It was just the two of us so Lacey was very involved. Even when it was just an idea, I explained to her that making a baby is a bit like baking a cake, and that some people needed help because they didn’t have all the ingredients. We followed couples who had used a surrogate on Instagram and we were both invested in their stories. During the process I was matched with a same-sex couple who we met together. I explained to Lacey that if it went ahead, they would basically be using Mummy’s oven to bake their cake. They would bring their own ingredients (helped by another lady) and that Mummy wouldn’t be using any of her own ingredients and so the baby wouldn’t be related to her. Lacey completely understood that.
When it came to being in labour I couldn’t speak. My waters broke and it was Lacey who grabbed the towel, called everyone and told them to meet me at the hospital. I had written a care plan, which Lacey followed - it had all the contact details, everything she or anyone else would need to know incase I wasn’t going to be home from the hospital the same day. Lacey understood that there were risks, as well. I explained to her that I could even die in labour from complications, so I had life insurance and a Will in place. She was involved in the decisions made and I incorporated her wishes into that. I wanted her to be fully aware of what was going on and if she had said “No”, or had any sign of reluctancy I wouldn’t have done it, as much as I had the desire to. She had to be on board.
It sounds like she was really involved, much more so than I expected, actually. How do you think the surrogacy impacted your relationship with your daughter?
Lacey was the only true support I had at home during that time. She was my rock, actually. My most solid best friend. When I came home from the hospital after having the baby, I’m going to get quite emotional now, sorry, I was so convinced I wasn’t going to make it. The pregnancy had gone so smoothly and the relationship with the intended parents had been so perfect, I had drummed it into my head that something was going to go wrong; that would just be my luck. I was scared towards the end. I didn’t want to say goodbye to her that morning of the birth, but she couldn’t come in to the hospital with me. She went to school as normal. I just wanted to hold her and I wanted to be with her. The second I got home, I ran up three flights of stairs, I busted through the door and the second I held her and she wrapped her arms around me, we both just cried. It was so cute. I don’t know how to describe it, but we were just so grateful in that very moment. We were already close, but I respect her so much more for being brave enough to understand the risks and allow me to risk my life for someone else. She is truly selfless.
Photo by Amber Blue Studio
You said Lacey was your only true support at home. Along with the intended parents, who lived one hundred miles away, did you have much other support from your community, family or friends and those closer to you?
When it came to the last few weeks of pregnancy I was actually very selective about who I wanted involved when it came to looking after Lacey and my dog, Shirley, for example. I wanted to protect some people. I didn’t want anyone to get confused or attached at all to my bump. I didn’t want to risk that they might somehow miss it in the future thinking that I had a baby. So in a way I did distance myself from some people.
How was pregnancy as a single mum?
Being pregnant did mean I wasn’t invited to things. If I can’t drink or whatever, I’m no fun any more, so that was a shame. Pregnancy can be quite lonely, especially as a single mum. I didn’t have the company of any adult unless like I went to the hairdressers and had my roots done, you know?
You must have been desperate to get out of the house. You were single at the time, did you carry on dating through your surrogacy? What was that like?
I thought it would be nice to kill time. I met a guy who was visiting from America, he was lovely. We dated for about a month while he was here and stayed friends. Besides that, there wasn’t much going on. I was told by some men what I was doing was wrong and that I shouldn’t be involving them in it. A lot of people don’t understand surrogacy. They think you get paid thousands, which of course is actually illegal in the UK. I argued it didn’t make any difference to them if I was a bit fat for a bit. I thought it would have been a good test. If you like me when I’m pregnant you would definitely like me after because the hormones shift don’t they? It can be a good test for any couple.
Were the intended parents there for the birth?
When the baby was born luckily it was uncomplicated so the intended parents could be in the room as planned. They saw the whole thing; even the crowning. Once he was born, the midwife placed the baby onto one of the father’s bare chest for skin to skin whilst he was still attached to me via the placenta.
That sounds very intimate
It was. (laughs) It was a privilege to be there.
What was that moment like? When they first met their baby?
As cliché as it sounds “obviously, a dream come true”, surreal.
Did anything surprising happen as a result of the surrogacy?
My friend Donna was my birthing partner. She has said to me that she was glad to have witnessed a nice ‘normal’ birth, even though it wasn’t hers. Prior to that she couldn’t even watch ‘One Born Every Minute’ as it made her feel like a failure. I was surprised that she could emotionally benefit from my experience.
Would you be a surrogate again?
I would be a surrogate again. I enjoy being pregnant and I feel very lucky. I want to be able to help.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
If you would like to hear more about Elisha’s surrogacy journey, head to Youtube and The Journey That Made Me.
To find out more about egg donation or surrogacy in the UK head to Wessex Fertility and Brilliant Beginnings
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Love this. What an amazing gift your sister has given a family ❤️ My sister had my niece and nephew through surrogacy due to medical issues with her carrying a child and I am still blown away by the generosity and selflessness of it xx