When I describe my situation, I say that I am a mostly stay-at-home mum. I try to work adhoc as a freelance designer but I gave up my full-time job to look after my two children for most of the week.
This is a choice that I actively made based on the fact that the cost of full-time childcare for two children far exceeded my salary (and I thought I had an okay salary!)
I made the decision to stay at home, but I felt that it was forced by circumstances largely beyond our control, and so I call myself a reluctant stay-at-home mum. Now it is getting harder, as the children are getting more challenging, I often think about this decision, and whether or not I made the right one.
When I read
recent article on Dear Dilate Is it better to feel guilt or resentment?, I was struck by the premise that for mothers it really does feel like one or the other. Do we stay at home and resent our partners for working when we can’t and the situation for the exhausting madness that it is, or do we work and suffer with the guilt that comes with not seeing our children as much as we would like?Resentment /rɪˈzɛntm(ə)nt/ (noun)
a bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
"his resentment at being demoted"Guilt /ɡɪlt/ (noun)
a feeling of worry or unhappiness that you have because you have done something wrong, such as causing harm to another person:
He suffered such feelings of guilt over leaving his children.
Jade says that in asking her Instagram community whether they would choose guilt or resentment, 64% said guilt.1
I thought what would I answer, if I had been asked, and I thought, well hang on, I didn’t get a choice, not really and I think many people don’t. Jade quotes Sarah from her Instagram community saying:
Sarah explained that the two feelings are linked; for her, she had no choice about returning to work. She said, "Despite being very career driven pre-children, I now find myself resenting the fact that I had no choice but to go back to work. Financially, it was a necessity, and now I have both resentment of having to return to work AND deal with the guilt of not being able to spend more time with my daughter. Worst of both worlds it feels like."
Is it better to feel guilt or resentment? Dear Dilate
Sure, as a pregnant mum-to-be I said to my partner, I’d happily give up work, or get a job working weekends if I had to. But did I think I would actually have to? No because I had no idea how much nursery would cost. Everyone else manages, I thought. So will we.
Fast forward to planning our second child, which I know is a privilege to be able to do, but I said it again, only this time I had a better idea that it probably was going to happen - I would have to leave my job. In fact I knew before I went on maternity leave that there was no way I could come back, the full-time childcare we had in place for our first son was almost all of my salary, with my partner able to cover the mortgage and bills, leaving no money for me to travel to work, even. I had a good idea that a second child would leave me without that job, at least (- a senior level design job in an industry I had 10 years experience in). But I saw an opportunity in all of it. I thought I could be flexible, find work on the day of childcare we could afford, (and again we are very lucky to even have that) but I can say after a year of approaching agencies and searching for my own clients with varied success, that was probably naïve.
When I did work full-time (or close to with a 4-day week), while my eldest son was in nursery, I did feel guilty. I hated that I had to work, especially when he needed me. I felt guilty that I missed out on milestones, particularly with his speech, and that I wasn’t the one to teach him to drink out of a cup, for example. I wasn’t there. I did feel guilty then. I felt that I worked too much (I much preferred a 3-day week) and to be honest the money I made wasn’t enough to compensate for that feeling. I was looking forward to having him home more when I had my second son.
Staying at home with the two of them was a decision I made, but the outcome of it hasn’t been as I intended, so it probably is fair to say I do feel resentful sometimes. I do feel like I have lost out in quitting my job, and that I will likely have been left behind in terms of my career. I do sometimes resent that my partner, who also had the same two children, hasn’t had to make that sacrifice, but also so grateful for his successes. I resent that the costs of childcare are so unreasonable that even government funding doesn’t help, and I resent that we don’t have anyone nearby to help; we are on our own.
Here’s the thing, I didn’t choose to be resentful, I have had that feeling forced upon me.
I wonder if I would feel resentful if we had the right support, or if childcare was more affordable. If perhaps we could get a break every now and then, to go on a date even. I wonder if I would feel resentful if I could work even a little bit more than I do, to have something to call my own in terms of earnings and something else other than the kids to focus on. If I could in some way still feel like my career is going rather than having ground to a halt, would I be less bothered?
It takes a village, they say, but I feel cheated that we don’t have one. That we have to live far from family in order to do our jobs, and that we don’t have the support we need from the so-called village that we pay to help. I resent that COVID has impacted our settling into our community, and I still feel like we are lagging behind.
Would I feel resentful if it wasn’t all so hard? The relentlessness and intensity of looking after small children is tough. I wonder sometimes whether it is my children or whether I complain too much, or do other people just not say? If I only had a few moments to myself with the kids each day, that they might play on their own or even leave me to go to the toilet in peace, would I feel less resentful then?
I don’t choose to get annoyed with my partner, who financially supports us and does his fair share at home, when he doesn’t put the dishwasher on, but I do. I get annoyed because every now and then it all gets on top of me and I am overwhelmed, exhausted and I will snap at anyone and everything. Having two children at home all day is just too much, even if the burden is shared between the two of us.
Would I feel resentful if my contribution was more valued? If I could say to people that I stay at home with the kids, and have them not sigh as if I sit with my feet up all day watching This Morning. If the government would consider this a full-time job and give us some form of tax relief or additional support or hey even a high-five at this stage – I would take that. Instead they underfund the childcare settings so much, as many as 71% of settings2 have added additional charges onto already rising costs ahead of the funding changes in April - funding that was meant to be a relief for many of us, but instead has just become another headache, another let down and something else to be disappointed by. If nothing else, it says they do not value the act of looking after and raising the next generation and I feel that isn’t fair.
Would I feel as resentful if I my job could be more flexible? No one picks a career when they are 18-21 years old based on whether or not they would be able to make the school pick-up. So many jobs are not as flexible as they could be. Many people congratulate me for picking a job where I can work from home and I laugh, because I can in that I can use a computer in my house as opposed to a computer in an office, but I know there is little flexibility in this career. Firstly, many design agencies are insisting on some form of hybrid working, expecting full-time employees to be in the office three days a week and secondly part-time jobs in design don’t seem to exist, at least not outside the Monday -Friday 9-5.
The truth is, in making my decision to stay at home, I didn’t choose any of this. I didn’t choose this situation and I know many other parents don’t choose theirs. We want to work and we want to see our kids. We want flexibility. We want balance. We want to “have it all”. But can we?
I’m looking forward to September when I hope with my eldest in school, I will be able to go back to work properly, and I feel guilty about that.
I feel guilty that I am counting down the days until he is out of my hair, but I know I will have to put him into breakfast and after-school clubs and my youngest will be in nursery every day, and I don’t know if I truly want that either. I will go from one extreme to the other. By that point, the money will be needed, and I will have to work with the limited flexibility of the industry I am in if I am to stay in work. In that respect, then it won’t be much of a choice, either.
I didn’t choose to feel resentment because the system has let families like ours down, but I can choose hope.
I hope that it will become easier for others to make the choices they truly want to make. I hope there will be more flexibility in working arrangements for all parents, and that there will be opportunities beyond the traditional working hours. I hope families like ours will get the support they need not to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by parenting, and that childcare can become more affordable to everyone, working or not. I hope that mothers and fathers won’t have to choose to feel guilt or resentment because instead they will be able to have balance and flexibility.
Find out more about Pregnant then Screwed and your rights as a working parent.
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Were/are you a stay-at-home parent - how did you find it?
Did you choose guilt or resentment? Do you think it is as simple as that?
Do you have any regrets over the choice of work or motherhood?
Do you believe we can have it all?
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Source: Is it better to feel guilt or resentment? Jade Fox, Dear Dilate
Pregnant then Screwed did a recent survey which they announced on Instagram: 71% of people said that costs outside of the funded hours are drastically increasing, 25% said that this was by at least £10 a day.
This is so real. I chose to be a SAHM and a homeschooling mom. I also get resentful when my husband forgets to turn dishwasher on or doesn't wash the pots or doesn't bring the trash bins in from the curb. The overwhelm is something else. Being home with kids is a lot. I have four, seven and under. Three days a week my 8 yr old niece and 5 yr old nephew joins us. Thankfully that is temporary. Just through end of school year. On one hand I love having them. But it's a lot. And I can resent my sister if she doesn't do the work i assign for their days with her. It seems that even though these are things I chose, I still have the ebb and flow of gratitude, joy, overwhelm and despair. It definitely sucks to not have that village.
‘How it feels to be forced to choose’
Oh the title by itself has knocked me. So powerful.
Thank you 🙏