My hair is unruly. Some might call it curly, others would say wavy but I see it as a mound of fuzz.
I don’t say that to fish for compliments, my hair has been something I have struggled to understand for sometime and I often come close to giving up trying.
Instagram and Facebook have tried to sell me every product going and believe me, I have tried many. If I had money to throw at the problem, I probably would.
The lady who cuts my hair has her own gorgeous natural curls. I go to her in the hope she might understand my hair more than me. When she cuts it, it can look absolutely banging after she spends twenty minutes coating sections in curling crème and artfully twirling each curl to emphasise my natural curl pattern. She gives my hair the attention that it craves from me. As a result, on one day every few months I think - yeah I like my hair. The rest of the time I fantasise about shaving it off.
It’s funny, actually, I always get compliments or funny looks when I wear my hair curly. Even my partner will have nicer things to say when the curls are out. But I very rarely wear it down and I have started to wonder why.
Can I blame the kids?
Well, I probably will. My eldest was a hair puller, so it often went up and let’s just say since the post-partum hair regrowth when he was six months old, I’ve not been overly keen to show off my locks. Hormones since haven’t been kind, either. After my second son left my body, it was clear the hormones had ravaged any kind of life that my hair had left in it and that he had sucked all nutrients out of me. I can lather it in any sort of conditioner or oil and it struggles to look anything better than dry.
The thing is, I always hated my hair, that isn’t new, but before kids I owned it.
I made a point of wearing it down and curly on wash days to work, at worst it was clipped to the side with a claw clip, cascading curls exploding from its grasp. I would tell anyone who complimented me: I woke up like this - and I did!
The second day it would be full of dry shampoo and greasy from hair product I would put in to give life to the curls that were left, and it wouldn’t look too bad and the third, well by then it was up, and hidden away. But overall, people got used to seeing my curls - more often than not.
Now I wonder why I would bother to do my hair nice. I don’t go into work, and when I take the kids out, amongst the toddler mums with bunged up hair in their loungewear, let’s just say I fit in. I don’t think I look terrible, but I look in the mirror, my fuzzy hair clipped behind my head and I wonder if I look like me.
I have always seen my curls as a defining feature. Perhaps, an aspirational one: I always wanted to be the girl with the curly hair, rather than the short one, the mouthy one, or indeed the quiet one. As a brand designer I see my curls as part of my personal brand, but when they are non-co-operative, they are not adhering to brand guidelines, and throwing the whole look off.
My hair all tied back and tidy doesn’t have the same vibe as the unruly, random textured nonsense on my head; the lion’s mane.
It shies away and hides, when its true nature is to be big and proud.
I don’t have time to apply products correctly to my hair to achieve the style it would better suit. Again I blame the kids. I don’t have time to wash it as often as I would like or when I would like. I would prefer to take time to wash and condition it during the day giving it time to dry rather than a rushed part of a nightly shower mid-week.
But the truth is I can see I have lost doing my hair as a priority.
I still do my make-up, although it’s basic, but nice things like doing my hair, wearing lipstick or even applying nail varnish every now and then have become nice-to-haves rather than part of the routine. They have been pushed aside so I can achieve something else with my time, like watering the plants probably or putting on a(nother) load of washing.
The juggle, as they say, is real.
Instagram shows me videos all the time of people getting ready to go out (what a dream!) and I stare in awe at this person, who I often have no idea who they are, and how they are using straighteners and tonging their hair into curls, only to clip it up. That would take me at least half an hour, why would create perfect curls only to hide them away? Except they have decided it’s worth that time, for whatever reason. That their appearance, or that they are worth that time.
I wonder why I don’t think my hair, or my appearance is worth that time.
Hair is such an integral part of our identities and how people see us. I know logically it isn’t really important, like I don’t need my hair to think or do anything, but if it’s looking good, I have confidence and higher self-esteem. Something that perhaps I hadn’t really noticed was missing.
In not doing my hair, or taking the time to paint my nails or whatever else it is, I am making a habit of not putting myself first. In the same way that taking a shower, or brushing teeth is seen as self-care, being able to take a little time on hair and beauty should be a given.
Whether I can get the curls right or not, whether I can get them to co-operate and adhere to my so-called brand guidelines is really not the point. It’s not about the curly hair, it’s about spending time on me.
Looking nice was hardly going to be a priority when I had a baby, or worse a toddler and a baby, that was probably obvious. But I think over time as they have become more self-sufficient, I haven’t claimed that priority or that time back. It has been lost and I have been forgetting to try to put myself first. And every time I don’t put myself first, I am slowly eroding my sense of self-worth, so it is important, actually, that my hair is how I like it.
Why shouldn’t it be?
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What elements of “self-care” have you let slip in motherhood?
Do you take time over your appearance?
How does your hair make you feel? Has this changed in motherhood?
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I'm in a similar season of neglecting hair and nails. I also skip moisturizing my body after a shower too. My hair is in love now but it still requires maintenance and I can't afford to pay someone else to do it. You would think I would just make the time to tend to it. Nope. I'm fantasizing about going bald. My kids get upset whenever I mention cutting my hair though... And I know I would hate it and probably descend into depression.... So yeah.... I relate with you.
I have opposite hair from you (straight that can’t hold a curl whatsoever), but I relate to always pulling hair back even when I didn’t as often before kids and not taking time to put on make up or dress in any way more than pulling on a t-shirt and jeans. I definitely put my needs to one side when taking time to do it seems inconvenient to the rest of my household. Like you, I’ve been thinking lately about taking more care with my appearance but I have trouble separating what I want to do for myself from what I may be doing for an external (male) gaze, especially with make up. I haven’t settled this for myself yet, but I might look into wearing jewelry again, even just a simple necklace, and getting a fresh haircut. Start small.